I broke up with him because I believed there was no future. He, being a senior means that goodbyes are inevitable. I was so happy, he made me feel so secure. However, there was something that left me unable to fully express myself. I often times found myself returning home filled with regrets, thinking I should have done this, done that. I should have thrown my arms around him, said “I’d love to” when he asked me out instead of shying away and hurriedly heading to class. I could have gone over to him when I saw him studying by himself, instead of shying away with the look of my classmates. See, him being a senior and I a junior always placed itself as a heavy barrier between us, an invisible boundary that stopped me from doing anything. Dating him was already something of a risk for me. I was filled with regrets everyday, and that’s when I realised that in fact, there was no need for me to feel that way. I was apologetic towards him for not returning the affection, whilst I hated myself for not being able to open up to him.
However, I just believe that these emotions should come naturally. From the start, I’ve been calculating every single thing, every move about us and that is what stopped us from necessarily moving forward. He previously broke up with my friend (another complicated reason to our beginning) because he told her that he loved her, and pressured her when she could not reply.
He said the same to me, told me he loved me. It made me feel warm, and I glowed in his love, but I knew that there was no spark that I could later ignite into love.
I want a free love. A love that comes to me in overwhelming emotions which makes me dream of our future together, excitedly sleep in hopes of the day growing closer to it’s end to see him the next day, a love where I see him and my heart fills with joy and light.
I want a love where I can run into his arms at any time of the day, a proud love which I can proclaim in my heart’s herald day after day. I don’t want him to fulfill me, but help me positively grow into something that I never knew I had in me.
I leave with a quote-
“Try not to confuse attachment with love. Attachment is about fear and dependency, and has more to do with love of self than love of another. Love without attachment is the purest love because it isn’t about what others can give you, because you’re empty. It is about what you can give others, because you’re already full.”
I eagerly await for a lover who I can pour and pour out my love, and leave me feeling satisfied at the end of the day.
He was a great lover and made me believe that there is someone out there for me. 🙂
Thank you lilly. You were a great first.