As a lady, thou shan’t ever speak above a whisper, lest your male counterparts be shocked by the stinging pain of your feminine soundwaves. Express yourself, good woman, in other ways like interpretive dance, mime and mother-daughter window-washing, the preferred communication of “good girls” everywhere. If you must speak to a man, make sure to do it over the television or vacuum cleaner.
Never express strong opinions or any opinion that doesn’t sound like a version of the Tim Allen grunt from Home Improvement. If you have to say what you are thinking, make sure to poll everyone else in the room first. It’s best that all female opinions are focus-groupped first in order to best please everyone. You should also make sure to check-in with random people on the internet about what they think about your opinion, hair, body politics and life choices. Also, check your teeth before you…
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