understand me in the ways I want to be loved
reveal to me my hybrid belonging
what makes me and you an eternal motif
as muses for college kids to emblazon
on plain journals
I am a twenty-something, kinda-Asian, kinda-artsy, kinda-lost-and-clueless college student. What a solid introduction, but that is the best summary of my current and more-so on going situation. I am not lazy, I am moderately hard working and moderately willing to take risks. Yet, so often I find myself in bed, crushed under the weight of all the assignments I want to do well in and things I want to discover.
Then I take a brief nap, and blame it on my food coma. I doodle in my journal about avante garde art, and reminisce a century that challenged everyone and everything to art for art’s sake. I sit on my desk, begin rearranging the mess that I’ve made during the peak of my motivation levels, and open my computer to type. I find myself opening Quora and Tumblr and Facebook, and eventually, WordPress. And so I type. And begin to realize that there seems to be a recurring pattern to what I prefer to do in my free time, or rather, things that I pursue despite having none.
The other day I posted a question on Quora, beseeching the Quora greats on how to keep motivated, how to remain inspired and how to continue writing. I’ve never fully considered writing to be a career choice, despite my habitual ramblings that I mindlessly share in all my social media platforms. I don’t want to label myself as a writer and have expectations, judgments and criticism, and stick closely to “snippets” in which my thoughts and its translation into a flow of words, best comes across. The answer was simple. Embrace it fully. Writing and words do not come by without effort, and in most cases, comes as an exorcism of emotions not so much for any other true benefit besides the soul. Art for art’s sake.
I want to though. Desperately.
Ever since I began this private blog site, a miserable teen on Christmas day in a cold, unlit room in Harare, Zimbabwe, I had the simple goal of writing and creating and putting something out there that would not have much significant meaning to anyone really besides myself. Slowly, my number of followers increased, and as I began searching for other like-minded blogs, I tried to do multiple things–house reviews, shopping hauls and the sort. Things that would increase my views and make me feel established.
“I”, the metaphysical ego.
Since then, my writing became even more erratic as it became a chore rather than an open forum where I could sort through my emotions and make meaning of the flashes. Rather than simply reverting this passion into the simple blogger I was 3 years ago, I want to reform, and begin to reveal the raw edges of myself again.
The older I get the more I realize how soft my mother is to words. The last time I met up with her in Korea, she was so furious with my dad, over something he said in passing, that she ignored him for months and was on the verge of getting a divorce, when I told her to confront him and deal with it once and for all. They talked about it, best part is he didn’t even know she was mad. He apologized and she was all good after that. I’ve come to realize that my mom is not that steel hard wonderwoman I always pictured her to be. I remind myself to be kind and send some words of affirmation to her now and then, especially since we now live apart. I’ve done it countless times for strangers in club bathrooms. Reminder to be kind to those who matter the most.
I went to a talk about mental health awareness today, and how it is stigmatised and 40% of Australians think that depressed people are dangerous, when in fact, they are the most targeted. I remember back in high school when I had some of the most tumultuous years of my life, and the crippling anxiety I had after getting gang robbed the second time and having my family fall apart and stitched back together. I would burst into hysteric tears for no good reason. The only reason I went home was because of my puppy and the weird guilt that convinced me I needed to be there to calm and mediate everything. I spent so many days at my sisters because the atmosphere choked me. I always looked to school for refuge, and thinking back, it’s the only reason why it never really developed into medication and doesn’t affect me so much now. School always had gossip and rumors and this and that to keep my mind off of things. I was preparing for college and for exams and having crushes and having fun with my friends… it gave me things to focus on. Even now, I sometimes find myself crying over something trivial, and it used to make me so angry for being weak and emotional. I’m over that now. I may not understand it, but it’s okay. I don’t judge or reprimand myself for expressing something and giving a sign that I feel something about the situation. I want to thank my boyfriend for this too, for always understanding and telling me to continue nurturing myself.
This turned out to be a longer post than intended. I just guess I want to say that I’m really grateful how everything turned out, and to everyone that has stood by me along the way. I took counselling after the robbery, and I am never ashamed to say it. I openly encourage all my friends to seek help if they need it. It was one of the best choices I made at the time, and just being able to speak about it to someone who would not worry as much as my friends or family would was everything. I’m really grateful for all the support my counsellor gave to me (shoutout to Miss Wilhite, I’ll never forget you) and to everyone who accepted me for me and were patient with me during my healing. Mental illness is an illness like all others, should be openly discussed and have support like any other battle.
…That it’s taken this long for me to post anything on here. Ri-dic-ulous. I am proportionally ashamed of myself because I’ve been busy with moving to a new city and applying for exchange and falling in love and all that. When I start reflecting on my 2015, I can identify all the new joys and richesse that has stripped me of my routine and the hobbies that I identify with myself. Another year has passed, and voila, I somehow find myself here in 2016. Time is unwarranted. It keeps going whether you take hold of it or not.
Currently, I am back home in Harare, Zimbabwe after spending almost a year and a half alone in South Korea. It’s great to be back. A couple of nights ago I met with some of my highschool classmates and it felt good to be able to talk about the powercuts and the ridiculous requirement of you having to go fetch the firefighters AND provide them with some water in case of fire. These are the little ideosyncrases that I can only fully enjoy with these special peoples, because explaining to any others will only result in gasps of shock or sympathetic ‘aws.’ It’s a sad state, but there is so much more to life and richness to our lives that cannot be enveloped by pitiful headlines that makes the international news.
The last year I believe I’ve changed a lot. I have more concrete ideas and beliefs on the things I feel passionate about, and have found more confidence in standing up for it and defending my position. I’ve also made important steps, participating in the little joys of being an adult and leaving my nest. I’ve lived about a year alone now in my own apartment, experiencing the infinite freedom of dancing around only in my underwear, to wishing death upon myself for leaving the food waste rubbish to last minute. I’ve learned what it means to fall in love, the ups and the downs, and what it means to share yourself in a way a little different to before, how it’s been with my family or any of my friends.
As I sat down at my desk, jotting down all the new years resolutions I made (e.g. STOP PROCRASTINATING. FIND 3 HOBBIES AND STICK BY IT. (FIND AN EXERCISE ROUTINE DEMMIT etc), I realized that all these things really amounted to one thing. Call it an idealistic existential crisis if you will, but this is the year I really want to discover myself. Get really in tune and more importantly comfortable with who I am and who I want to be. When I look back in 2016, I hope I can nod and be really satisfied and marvel at my spiritual and emotional growth. Already a lot is in store for me–I’m heading to Australia for a semester of exchange. How did I even pick this country from all the other options? Simple. I was inspired by a vlog I watched, I did some research and I was inspired. I put it as first choice. Surprisingly, I got in. So that’s what it is, I guess.
This is another thing that I’ve come more to terms with me. My carefree personality. It used to stress me out not knowing what I was going to do and always felt guilty about making big choices on a whim rather than the meticulous check lists and research that my friends delved into. But as I say, hey, it’s gotten me this well this far. It must be work pretty well for me!
I hope to write more often.
Cheers to that, and to the new year!
I’ve been working for about a week now as a sub teacher, so today being a national holiday I decided to treat myself to some products that I’ve been eyeing for a while. (Also I was encouraged by the final season of Parks and Recreation where Donna and Tom Haverford do what I like best, under the universally accepted declaration- TREAT YO’SELF!)
Plus, everything was on sale. It was just a winning combination.
I haven’t started using any of these products yet but I did sample what I could in store so here is my honest review:
These cute little egg shaped puffs (what a jumble of words) I got from Tony Moly with no obvious reason but that I needed something to apply my etude house blur cream. I like that the packaging comes in a sealable bag, which I might use to keep these things clean should I be on the go. I like the feeling, it’s very soft and moist almost, but the smell! Phew. It smells strongly of plastic. You can smell it mostly when it’s right by your nose, which, unfortunately, is where these little bitties are supposed to be used. It’s durable. It could be better.
Next, the Tony Moly back gel eyeliner! I’ve finally jumped into this bandwagon. I’ve continuously heard that this little magical eyeliner pot right here is one of the most affordable and beloved eyeliner products in Korea. I was looking for something softer than my bold black liner, so I picked up the common brown one right here. I like how they smell the little pots of product without the top (which is a brush) for cheaper. They had various shades of basically the same thing, three versions of brown and three versions of black that didn’t really appeal to me. Just a straight brown. All I need.
Makeup shopping in Korea is impossible for the indecisive ones since nearly all the shops are side by side, each blaring their 30~ 50! 70% sale signs! After hesitation (and exiting the store) I returned to get this little eyeshadow here. It’s in the shade ‘tea rose’ and to me it’s a beautiful mixture of pink and brown that I think will be perfect as a base or a simple and light eyeshadow look.
Next! (The rambling continues) I got the Missha Professional eyelash curler. They offered two types but the assistance promised that this one was muuuuch better. I believed her. It comes with two extra black rubber things to replace it with. I got it because my plastic Innisfree one broke and I heard that this was the cheaper Shu Uemura option. I believe it. It fits my Asian eyeshape perfectly, lifting up my stiff lashes into a gentle c curl. However, it is a little stiff and small on my hands, which I find hard to believe because my hands are particularly teeny. It might be challenging for people with even normal sized hands to use it with maximum comfort.
Next are some fashion pieces! I got this beautiful lace clutch bag in the Accessorize sale. It’s got a clean silver chain which I’ve tucked away inside. I think it’s perfect to add some class to evening events.
The bracelet with the cute tassels I received as a gift from my cousin who stayed with me for a couple of days. I’ve been loving the tassel detailing in the jewelry nowadays and the sweet soul actually remembered me saying this. The handmade bracelet is vibrant and should be a perfect pairing with my affinity for dainty silver jewelry.
I got this white doctor’s coat looking shirt/jacket from a Valleygirl sale. It’s clean cut and professional looking in the front, but I love the parting on the back with the little lace detail that shows through. I thought it would be perfect for a summer dress cover up or with the casual skinny jean.
Finally, one of my favorite products, a folder of Princess Mononoke by Hayao Miyazaki! His productions are the summary of my childhood, and though I was mostly startled and afraid of them, my mom would only rent out his animations, perhaps to make me feel more close to home. Anyway, Princess Mononoke, even at a young age, I knew was a straight up #girlboss.
And that’s all folks.
Hello everyone! The weather in Korea is steaming hot, but it’s definitely better than to all my summer breaks here. Maybe it’s because I go about building-jumping between air conditioners. Anyway, this got me reminiscing of early spring, on one of my dates with my lovely boyfriend when he taught me how to long board.
He left the longboard for me at home to try out but I’m too scared after hurtling down a small but significantly terrifying hill.
We decided to take a stroll away from campus after a long week of college toil. The beautiful flowers were just beginning to fully blossom and the colors were just stunning! The trail is actually a bike trail that follows a little river, and the sight of people gently canoeing down the stream and pet owners jogging their dogs made for an energetic and peaceful afternoon.
I recommend this path during the budding seasons to clear your head after being cooped up all day.