college, personal, Uncategorized

meek.

I found myself lying, face drooping into the slopes of my pillow, weighed down by all the things I should probably be doing and the things I wish I was doing. My uneven posture and tense legs strain from clenching and releasing early this morning from when I was taking my driver’s for the second time. Later, I struggled to cover the rose of my frost-bitten cheeks with multiple layers of foundation. It still shone through, a harsh and unapologetic bloom.

I tend to find myself fleeting from one place to the next, eagerly checking off the menial things off my diary for comfort. Put money into the bank. Check the dates for performance. Get some groceries–especially some salad. I should really get into that. I then crash into bed when they are done, feeling strangely unaccomplished and disconnected to my self.

I picked off the pieces of my body, the mangled individuals cast here and there over the bed. Recollected myself, and gathered together a self that can writes. I try to make meaning of the empty space. No matter how many times I try to keep my desk clear of the clutter, my pens and books with stickers and orange peels litter the top, and stay there until someone else enters.

I see a message pop up from my friend. We find solace in each other. There are friends you meet in blurs to pass messy nights with, and others with whom you reach out for in the darkness, meandering the unknown hills and edging around the crevices. I talk again about my feelings. She returns the same. I feel that there are many of us out there tonight–we are not lost, but just waiting for the winter to pass us over.

 

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exploring, personal, Uncategorized

Why I am “Fine” – something personal

I went to a talk about mental health awareness today, and how it is stigmatised and 40% of Australians think that depressed people are dangerous, when in fact, they are the most targeted. I remember back in high school when I had some of the most tumultuous years of my life, and the crippling anxiety I had after getting gang robbed the second time and having my family fall apart and stitched back together. I would burst into hysteric tears for no good reason. The only reason I went home was because of my puppy and the weird guilt that convinced me I needed to be there to calm and mediate everything. I spent so many days at my sisters because the atmosphere choked me. I always looked to school for refuge, and thinking back, it’s the only reason why it never really developed into medication and doesn’t affect me so much now. School always had gossip and rumors and this and that to keep my mind off of things. I was preparing for college and for exams and having crushes and having fun with my friends… it gave me things to focus on. Even now, I sometimes find myself crying over something trivial, and it used to make me so angry for being weak and emotional. I’m over that now. I may not understand it, but it’s okay. I don’t judge or reprimand myself for expressing something and giving a sign that I feel something about the situation. I want to thank my boyfriend for this too, for always understanding and telling me to continue nurturing myself.

This turned out to be a longer post than intended. I just guess I want to say that I’m really grateful how everything turned out, and to everyone that has stood by me along the way. I took counselling after the robbery, and I am never ashamed to say it. I openly encourage all my friends to seek help if they need it. It was one of the best choices I made at the time, and just being able to speak about it to someone who would not worry as much as my friends or family would was everything. I’m really grateful for all the support my counsellor gave to me (shoutout to Miss Wilhite, I’ll never forget you) and to everyone who accepted me for me and were patient with me during my healing. Mental illness is an illness like all others, should be openly discussed and have support like any other battle.

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personal

Vibes

Today I woke up in a fairly good mood. I rolled over, picked up my phone, and was instantly thrown off-multitudes of messages glared at me and bleated angrily for my attention. My sister confessed recent challenges to the family, my friend stressed over her injury which she partially blamed me for, and everything seemed pretty gloom and doom. Almost immediately, 5 minutes into my day.

I admit one of my weaknesses to be being easily affected by the moods of others. I know the coin phrase nowadays is ‘good vibes’, but I’m understanding it’s importance increasingly so. Even if the person lives in a different continent across the wide sea, their bad day instantly permeates and makes my day alike.

It is pretty pointless to let myself be so vulnerable to the emotions of others, especially when it is so personal that it is difficult to know how it evolves for them. They may be over it in a few hours, but it will cloud me the entire day.

It’s important for me to find an equilibrium in myself. To find the balance of peace and happiness that cannot be dismantled by my love and feelings for others. It’s a challenge to do, but I guess the best option is to just shake it off (yay T. Swift, ever the poet)

I read in The Happiness Project that my relationship should not be the dumping grounds of emotions. It rang in me because often I’d fully lay bare all my emotions to my boyfriend, thinking that it was necessary and easier for him to understand why I’d be in certain moods. However, I just realized that I’m doing the same as others are doing to me. I find it tricky also the difference between confiding in someone and dumping your negative energy onto them.

I’m not sure, I’m just trying to figure things out.

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Uncategorized

Teenage/Junior Angst and Anxiety and How It Will Be Okay

Hello everyone! I know the content of my blog has been really irregular, with me sometimes moaning about blegh teen stuff and the struggles between juggling school life and social work, with pretty swell photographs and poetry. I’m not really sure who follows me for what, but I’m going to try be more dedicated now and just pump out some content. Well. That’s the thought for now anyway.

I believe that an existential crisis, as melodramatic as it sounds, does not come at some midlife point in your life in your mid 30′s/40′s, but really is viable to strike any individual at any time in life. Sometimes, this can mean a devastating financial crises or juggling the balance between mental and physical health. But really, as a recent survivor emerging from the clasps of a highschool life, I can really relate to alot of blog posts nowadays by juniors who feel sad and lonely and outcasted, especially in the junior year where the mood/feeling cannot fully be expressed in a logical manner, and life can only be described as ‘meh.’ 

Is this normal? I believe it’s quite normal. I’ve never really viewed myself as a pessimistic child- I’m really a turbulent mixture of being serene and nonchalant. However, this was definitely not the case just over a year ago. People underestimate what it is really like to be a teenager, this raging ball of emotions, desires and insecurities, mixed with family and friends and schools all demanding you to figure out what exactly it is that you want to do with the rest of your life. Who are you. What do you want to do. Lawyer? Doctor? Government official?  Please. 

I read this quote somewhere, saying that in this society, we are really asking teenagers to decide what they want to pursue for the rest of their lives, at the age of 18, when just two months ago they had to ask for permission to go the bathroom. And that is just so logical, and so true. Multitudes of times, before I finally got my acceptance letter about 3 weeks ago, I would feel lost and constantly insecure. That is really what it has become, the culminating result and show of achievement, or evidence that states that you have actually not wasted 12 whole years of your life in school. I was a decent student, who worked hard and played hard, but the weight of decisions and the nerve-wracking indecisions drove me to several breakdowns. I don’t know what I want to do with the rest of my life. I want to go to this university but they may not accept me. Why would they accept me. There are so many better students than me.  Doubts, regrets, anxiety, and anger.

All I can say really is that it is a phase in life, a brief darkness in the tunnel. With the constant demanding, demanding, demanding for answers and ideas and work, life can really feel bleak and hopeless. This feeling can hit anyone, and that is okay, you are normal. It does not matter whether you’ve known what career you want to pursue at the age of three, or not.

Seriously though, take my word for it, this too will pass. Phases and insecurities about my body, my appearance, my acceptance seem to be defined by the limited people that compromise our families, friend groups and school. This too will pass. The people that seem to mean everything to you right now, whose opinions can jar you and make or break your day, soon they will mean nothing to you anymore, and life will go on. You will live life, and you will inevitably learn more about yourself. You will meet new people, and you will have the choice of company in the near future. The bogged-down feeling right now, it will soon dissolve. You will have the chance to start again, or grow even further. You will thrive where you are planted. You will be okay. You will be more than okay. Psh. That existential crisis, that ambiguity and the sinking panic that arises from it…those will be things in the past. As it is for me. Things, situations and people that I thought were the biggest parts of me now seem small and insignificant really in the grand scheme of everything that I envision my life to be. I definitely do not have all the answers still, but I am okay with that. Because I know that I have the choice now, not what I believe others will perceive of me. And I am content, because I am me. And the future and plans and all the things that I can achieve is exhilarating. 

I hope you reach that point too.

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Unstoppable.

I wish I could describe myself as unstoppable, but I’m not. I’m vulnerable. I can be stopped by love loss, family breakups, school anxiety, stress about my future, annoyed with my friends, lost in my religion. I am vulnerable, but I am real.
I might not be unstoppable, but I have to the strength to keep pushing. I love my family, even in their cold, incomprehensible ways. They have supported me financially, academically, and in other emotional support that has not surfaced. My friends are my daily escape from the cold reality. My God, my sweet Father who always keeps me and treasures me, even in my least worthy moments.

I can do it.
I have people that believe in me.
I believe in me.

Uncategorized

Unstoppable.

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