It’s not a nice feeling to be played.

It’s really sad how the only time I ever blog anything is when I am coiling from the burning ashes of my fickle heart.

Regardless, I am wounded and am just staring mindlessly at the bland wall and I am shocked and angry at myself for falling into the same pits of falsely-induced unrequited love. 

Just before my best guy friend left for a trip, we began to spend a lot more time together, laughing and talking and just being the usual us. Except it was different, and he began leaving me hints that I’d be blind not to recognise (bold physical touches, admittence that he did not want to leave me, jokingly mentioning that someone said we look cute together etc). He began to leave obvious hints that he was interested in us being something more and I felt our relationship peak, ready for the next level, something that is, unfortunately, not uncommon between us. 

When he returned however, everything changed and it just wasn’t the same anymore, as he talked animatedly about the girls he talked to and the asses (mind my crude language) he admired on the trip. I didn’t mind until then, because we are young and there are unpreventable elations of the heart. However, things really spiraled last night as we talked about ourselves, and he mentioned that he had a problem with leading people on just because he is unclear to himself. Then he mentioned that he was talking to his old crush again.

Now bitch be tripping. I am furious that this guy, who is supposedly my best friend, would have the audacity to lead me on- and to try let it off casually by just mentioning that he is confused. He even included ‘lol’ at the end. I know that some of y’all would decipher it as subtle hinting to see where I stand or whatever, but this makes me furious because this is not the first time I thought there was something more, before he let me down.

I refuse. Je refuse. I deny. From now on, I refuse to be toyed with, to be baited, to satisfy a need for whatever attention he is seeking. I need a break. I can’t deal with his idiocy any longer.

School in Zimbabwe + AISA GISS 2013

I realized recently that I’ve been acting as someone I personally detest- a silent online lurker. A presence that is there, but is too cool to be out there (a person like me, who has the tendency to bombard media with personal crisis with artistic emphasis). Since I’ve been waiting for my mother to pick me up from school for the past thirty minutes, I might as well utilize this time for some artistic ramblings. 

Just two days ago, I returned from Kenya which was the fifth host of the AISA Global Issues Service Summit, a conference celebrating various service projects and innovative ideas in Africa; something I’ve been regularly attending since eighth grade. This year, it was at oh-so-sexy Kenya, where the are a lot of sexy boys. They’re like what impala is to Zimbabwe- beautiful, plentiful, and a damned natural resource.

Anyhow, besides the enjoyable scenery, there was alot to be learnt and experienced there as well. We got to attend a keynote presentation by Spencer West- a truly motivational speaker who had lost his legs at the age of two- yet continued to climb the highest mountain in Africa for sponsorship. His motivational speeches were driven by his enthusiasm and humbleness which really spoke out to me. He was so real, and really touched me, causing me to erupt in goosebumps every five minutes. So great. I don’t know if you can watch him on youtube or something, but definitely a recommendation.

Another key feature of this was dancing with some of the local tribesman there- the Masai Mara. The key point of this dance is jumping up and down rhythmically and bobbing your head repeatedly. This was rather awkward for two reasons – this was done in the middle of the stage, so in a moment of outrageous courage I jumped up and joined them for the world to see, and secondly, the tribesmen grabbed my hands and refused to let go whilst they continued to sing their local chants for a good 20 minutes.

Lovely.

I also enjoyed the social aspect as well- I met a lot of new friends that soon grew to be quite the personal favorite. I met a lovely girl called Heerim in my sustainability group, and we really grew close together as we danced the night away at the school dance. Which I personally thought to be a great breakthrough because my other friends finally got to see the other side of me- the side that likes to move to music. Also, I was able to make some advances onto this really cute beau by dancing with him. He was shy (a really attractive feature to me.) 

What a great night. Also, a Korean family friend who I had previously thought to be a total douche actually ended up being one of the friendly faces on the campus. His family invited me to dinner for the night, and being stuck in the house together actually caused us to bond together, establishing decent conversation and allowing us to mutually accept each other, something which had previously seemed impossible.

It was nice though, although it was a bit iffish when the following days, I was referred to as ‘Ilgon’s friend.’

It was nicely to get to know the people and break former prejudices. It was also slightly awkward going with a friend that seems to like me, but then it was okay and quite enjoyable when we got past the awkward silence.

 

My mom still isn’t here. Well, thanks mom, anyway. You’re the root of my poetic outcry.

 

“So avoid using…

“So avoid using the word ‘very’ because it’s lazy. A man is not very tired, he is exhausted. Don’t use very sad, use morose. Language was invented for one reason, boys – to woo women – and, in that endeavor, laziness will not do.” —Dead Poets Society

I am easily wooed with poetry. A man that’s good with his words and can express himself in an appealing manner can very well, just have me. haha!