adventure, Blogging, personal, Writer

Procrastination, staying motivated and other ills

I am a twenty-something, kinda-Asian, kinda-artsy, kinda-lost-and-clueless college student. What a solid introduction, but that is the best summary of my current and more-so on going situation. I am not lazy, I am moderately hard working and moderately willing to take risks. Yet, so often I find myself in bed, crushed under the weight of all the assignments I want to do well in and things I want to discover.

Then I take a brief nap, and blame it on my food coma. I doodle in my journal about avante garde art, and reminisce a century that challenged everyone and everything to art for art’s sake. I sit on my desk, begin rearranging the mess that I’ve made during the peak of my motivation levels, and open my computer to type. I find myself opening Quora and Tumblr and Facebook, and eventually, WordPress. And so I type. And begin to realize that there seems to be a recurring pattern to what I prefer to do in my free time, or rather, things that I pursue despite having none.

The other day I posted a question on Quora, beseeching the Quora greats on how to keep motivated, how to remain inspired and how to continue writing. I’ve never fully considered writing to be a career choice, despite my habitual ramblings that I mindlessly share in all my social media platforms. I don’t want to label myself as a writer and have expectations, judgments and criticism, and stick closely to “snippets” in which my thoughts and its translation into a flow of words, best comes across. The answer was simple. Embrace it fully. Writing and words do not come by without effort, and in most cases, comes as an exorcism of emotions not so much for any other true benefit besides the soul. Art for art’s sake.

I want to though. Desperately.

Ever since I began this private blog site, a miserable teen on Christmas day in a cold, unlit room in Harare, Zimbabwe, I had the simple goal of writing and creating and putting something out there that would not have much significant meaning to anyone really besides myself. Slowly, my number of followers increased, and as I began searching for other like-minded blogs, I tried to do multiple things–house reviews, shopping hauls and the sort. Things that would increase my views and make me feel established.

“I”, the metaphysical ego.

Since then, my writing became even more erratic as it became a chore rather than an open forum where I could sort through my emotions and make meaning of the flashes. Rather than simply reverting this passion into the simple blogger I was 3 years ago, I want to reform, and begin to reveal the raw edges of myself again.

I’m back.

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exploring, personal, Uncategorized

Why I am “Fine” – something personal

I went to a talk about mental health awareness today, and how it is stigmatised and 40% of Australians think that depressed people are dangerous, when in fact, they are the most targeted. I remember back in high school when I had some of the most tumultuous years of my life, and the crippling anxiety I had after getting gang robbed the second time and having my family fall apart and stitched back together. I would burst into hysteric tears for no good reason. The only reason I went home was because of my puppy and the weird guilt that convinced me I needed to be there to calm and mediate everything. I spent so many days at my sisters because the atmosphere choked me. I always looked to school for refuge, and thinking back, it’s the only reason why it never really developed into medication and doesn’t affect me so much now. School always had gossip and rumors and this and that to keep my mind off of things. I was preparing for college and for exams and having crushes and having fun with my friends… it gave me things to focus on. Even now, I sometimes find myself crying over something trivial, and it used to make me so angry for being weak and emotional. I’m over that now. I may not understand it, but it’s okay. I don’t judge or reprimand myself for expressing something and giving a sign that I feel something about the situation. I want to thank my boyfriend for this too, for always understanding and telling me to continue nurturing myself.

This turned out to be a longer post than intended. I just guess I want to say that I’m really grateful how everything turned out, and to everyone that has stood by me along the way. I took counselling after the robbery, and I am never ashamed to say it. I openly encourage all my friends to seek help if they need it. It was one of the best choices I made at the time, and just being able to speak about it to someone who would not worry as much as my friends or family would was everything. I’m really grateful for all the support my counsellor gave to me (shoutout to Miss Wilhite, I’ll never forget you) and to everyone who accepted me for me and were patient with me during my healing. Mental illness is an illness like all others, should be openly discussed and have support like any other battle.

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adventure, Blogging, college, exploring, personal, travels

Hello World

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It’s been almost a year since I’ve properly updated this blog. It’s been a long time coming. There were times where I’d recall with quite the pang how much I enjoyed and needed to express myself in a blog, but I was often too busy and many times too afraid to come back to this platform. I’ve just returned from my trip in Busan a week into finishing my first year at Yonsei University. I finally found the soul’s leisure to pick up some books from my to read list, and top of the list was The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. Now, though I would call myself a scholar I admit that it is difficult to force down informationals in a summer read, especially on arbitrary tips on ‘how to be happy.’ However, I’ve heard some rave reviews about it, and I must say that I do agree. It is simplistic, experimental, and life changing.

It is pretty tough trying to stay afloat as a new adult, thrust into the city alone and unknowing, and often against my will I find myself feeling grumpy and defensive against the world. Reading this book reminded me of the little pleasures I have in life, and what keeps me gentle and humble. It struck me how similar my life is to that of the author, having an affinity to the languages but directing myself towards law instead, the short anger spouts and most of all, simply trying to live and enhance a life that is already pretty worth living.She started a blog despite her doubts, and so I’ve decided to do the same.

It is a great summer read, and recommendable to anyone.

Look forward to my Busan trip post!

Thank you everyone who has stuck around,

Sincerely,

Me.

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Uncategorized

Teenage Angst…especially going onto college

Hello reader, most likely another teenager like me. Life is getting a little tough huh? Suddenly there seems to be a wave tsunami of forms that need to be filled out and outstanding curriculars that need to be recorded. At least, that’s the way it feels for me. I’m at that stage of my scholarly (haha) life where I am pretty much susceptible to all forms of negative influence, and I admit I’m not the brightest little sunflower seed out there nowadays.

An event that triggered this post was my recent toefl + sat exam results. My grades are really good in comparison to the standards of the US or the average school, yet I am incessantly being told that I’m not doing my best- that I can do better.

Now how possibly can I argue about that? Thing is, it’s getting real hard to get a compliment around here. I truly thank my family for believing me that much that they believe that I can push and be one of the best, but repeatedly I get that sinking feeling that my good just isn’t that good enough. 

I guess, what I’m just saying is that encouragement would be a bit more effective with approval and praise. Or perhaps I’m being a spoilt brat about this all. Who really knows.

So, for all my seniors to be, spending waaay too much time on the internet and watching/reading too many series, I salute you. Because even though we may guilt trip ourselves that we are wasting our time by not studying or that we haven’t got the best grades that we can possibly get, we are young. We are teenagers, years full of angst and indescribable joys that we can never possibly get back. So, viva la jeunesse! (hahaha that barely made sense) so yeah. To hopes, and to sorrows. May we find happiness.

 

(Any teenagers wanting to share their struggles/joys of studying feel free to comment below or send me a message!) 

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Uncategorized

Highschool Junior Life, college and preparation

I just thought, since I am so overwhelmed and overly satisfied with the amount I’ve achieved today in terms of my future, I would brag about it a little and see what other people are doing. I must (regretfully) admit though, that most of these achievements are rather monetary, compared to what I’m sure the rest of the world’s juniors are doing. Oh well. This is what I do best, blowing some cash. (That’s what she said.) 

(No, that’s immature.)

Today, I got a place in the SAT’s exam, the mock exam, paid for the extra lessons offered at my school and bought the Official SAT Study Guide. (which looks to be pretty basic and useless, atm.) I feel like I’m getting somewhere with the course of all that needs to be done for me to go to college, (UIC, I’m praying) and though the studying part is still yet to be done, I just thought well, this feels pretty great. If there are any juniors (11th graders) or other highschool students reading this, how far are you on your preparations for college?

Besides that, the coolest thing I did today was ride Miguel’s scooter (which he rode to school on, fully dressed in a suit and tie for his Model United Nations conference) around, and shaming all the young ‘uns with their lack of style in their choice of transportation from one class to the next. 

Life doesn’t get any cooler than breaking the rules and cruising in style.

 

 

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College Stresses.

Here it hits again. Feeling of utter confusion… I feel lost. What am I going to do with my future? I don’t know why I’m getting this sinking feeling again… I mean, I just crawled out a steamy bath that smelt delightfully of rose petals. (Truth be told, I forgot to open the bathroom windows and nearly passed out haha). I have somewhat decided that I want to go to university in Korea, despite my dad’s urges for me to go to the States. 

I am so confused about the many colleges in Korea that do or do not offer courses entirely in English. I want to stay in Seoul, but many of these courses are outside it. I also worry about how well I will adjust- I know there is a tendency for Korean students to have a thing against international students (for they are getting somewhat of a benefit for living abroad, for sure.)

How will I adjust, for I am headstrong and proud, and refuse to be controlled by others? I know that in Korea there is a lot of submission to those older than you; but that’s not me. I am a strong believer that you earn the respect that you gain.

Where am I going to go, what future does it hold for me, how am I going to make it?

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Uncategorized

Getting Down on Colleges

Being a junior feels like a brick repeatedly being thrown, picked up, and thrown again at my brain, telling me to grow up, stop being so immature and take more initiative. It’s a burdensome time, especially as we become closer and closer to becoming seniors- and then graduation! I am quite excited for what my future will hold, and I’ve been digging around online, looking for good international colleges that teach in English in Korea. So far, I’ve found Yonsei Underwood International College, which in Korean standards, is like the Yale of Korea. I will strive to get in there. No matter what. #inspired.

Meanwhile, I am being bogged down with all the crap that is required in IB. My school’s organization with the provision of basic school books, utensils, or course management is just terrible, and all in all I’m just appalled with this whole situation. I am so inspired right now, tomorrow I’m going to hang out in the library after school with my friend and do some homework and sh*t. OHHHH YEAH. Shit just got real. 

Yes, yes, meanwhile, deep down I know this whole post is an object of procrastination. ALLALAALA. Get my shit together. College. Legoo.

 

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