college, personal, Uncategorized


I found myself lying, face drooping into the slopes of my pillow, weighed down by all the things I should probably be doing and the things I wish I was doing. My uneven posture and tense legs strain from clenching and releasing early this morning from when I was taking my driver’s for the second time. Later, I struggled to cover the rose of my frost-bitten cheeks with multiple layers of foundation. It still shone through, a harsh and unapologetic bloom.

I tend to find myself fleeting from one place to the next, eagerly checking off the menial things off my diary for comfort. Put money into the bank. Check the dates for performance. Get some groceries–especially some salad. I should really get into that. I then crash into bed when they are done, feeling strangely unaccomplished and disconnected to my self.

I picked off the pieces of my body, the mangled individuals cast here and there over the bed. Recollected myself, and gathered together a self that can writes. I try to make meaning of the empty space. No matter how many times I try to keep my desk clear of the clutter, my pens and books with stickers and orange peels litter the top, and stay there until someone else enters.

I see a message pop up from my friend. We find solace in each other. There are friends you meet in blurs to pass messy nights with, and others with whom you reach out for in the darkness, meandering the unknown hills and edging around the crevices. I talk again about my feelings. She returns the same. I feel that there are many of us out there tonight–we are not lost, but just waiting for the winter to pass us over.



Teenage/Junior Angst and Anxiety and How It Will Be Okay

Hello everyone! I know the content of my blog has been really irregular, with me sometimes moaning about blegh teen stuff and the struggles between juggling school life and social work, with pretty swell photographs and poetry. I’m not really sure who follows me for what, but I’m going to try be more dedicated now and just pump out some content. Well. That’s the thought for now anyway.

I believe that an existential crisis, as melodramatic as it sounds, does not come at some midlife point in your life in your mid 30′s/40′s, but really is viable to strike any individual at any time in life. Sometimes, this can mean a devastating financial crises or juggling the balance between mental and physical health. But really, as a recent survivor emerging from the clasps of a highschool life, I can really relate to alot of blog posts nowadays by juniors who feel sad and lonely and outcasted, especially in the junior year where the mood/feeling cannot fully be expressed in a logical manner, and life can only be described as ‘meh.’ 

Is this normal? I believe it’s quite normal. I’ve never really viewed myself as a pessimistic child- I’m really a turbulent mixture of being serene and nonchalant. However, this was definitely not the case just over a year ago. People underestimate what it is really like to be a teenager, this raging ball of emotions, desires and insecurities, mixed with family and friends and schools all demanding you to figure out what exactly it is that you want to do with the rest of your life. Who are you. What do you want to do. Lawyer? Doctor? Government official?  Please. 

I read this quote somewhere, saying that in this society, we are really asking teenagers to decide what they want to pursue for the rest of their lives, at the age of 18, when just two months ago they had to ask for permission to go the bathroom. And that is just so logical, and so true. Multitudes of times, before I finally got my acceptance letter about 3 weeks ago, I would feel lost and constantly insecure. That is really what it has become, the culminating result and show of achievement, or evidence that states that you have actually not wasted 12 whole years of your life in school. I was a decent student, who worked hard and played hard, but the weight of decisions and the nerve-wracking indecisions drove me to several breakdowns. I don’t know what I want to do with the rest of my life. I want to go to this university but they may not accept me. Why would they accept me. There are so many better students than me.  Doubts, regrets, anxiety, and anger.

All I can say really is that it is a phase in life, a brief darkness in the tunnel. With the constant demanding, demanding, demanding for answers and ideas and work, life can really feel bleak and hopeless. This feeling can hit anyone, and that is okay, you are normal. It does not matter whether you’ve known what career you want to pursue at the age of three, or not.

Seriously though, take my word for it, this too will pass. Phases and insecurities about my body, my appearance, my acceptance seem to be defined by the limited people that compromise our families, friend groups and school. This too will pass. The people that seem to mean everything to you right now, whose opinions can jar you and make or break your day, soon they will mean nothing to you anymore, and life will go on. You will live life, and you will inevitably learn more about yourself. You will meet new people, and you will have the choice of company in the near future. The bogged-down feeling right now, it will soon dissolve. You will have the chance to start again, or grow even further. You will thrive where you are planted. You will be okay. You will be more than okay. Psh. That existential crisis, that ambiguity and the sinking panic that arises from it…those will be things in the past. As it is for me. Things, situations and people that I thought were the biggest parts of me now seem small and insignificant really in the grand scheme of everything that I envision my life to be. I definitely do not have all the answers still, but I am okay with that. Because I know that I have the choice now, not what I believe others will perceive of me. And I am content, because I am me. And the future and plans and all the things that I can achieve is exhilarating. 

I hope you reach that point too.


Sing me to Sleep - thoughts on teenage depression

Sing me to sleep, sing me to sleep. I’m tired and I want to go to bed. “Asleep.”
I love this song by the Smiths, it fully satisfies my old indie music fetish. (Yet others could chide at my slow accumulation of musical culture.)

I admit it’s been a really long time since I’ve written in my blog. I’ve been, unfortunately, distracted with other various sources of internet entertainment- constituted of tumblr and youtube mainly.
I feel that my sense of humour is changing.
Ideas and concepts that I had found before to be embarrassing or crass, topics on sex and sexuality, things that I had once been afraid to discuss come to me more freely to me now.
I feel that the Internet has changed me in that way.
In a background where the internet was sourced from a ‘stick’ and the broadband limited, I (thankfully) spent the majority of my childhood reading my books and imagining fairies and phantoms.
I’m thoroughly shocked when I see all the participation from the 10 year olds to the 13 year olds in social media, with the same level of… awareness, I guess, that I have finally opened myself up to at this age.
The effects that the media has on these young minds is so profound and so blatantly present that I shy away in embarrassment.
13 year olds talk about sex and of suicide, of depression like they know it and of cutting themselves like they’ve felt that grief, it’s just so overwhelming to me.
I acknowledge the fact that there are several kids who truly come from broken homes and are depressed.
However, I doubt that 10 million + adolescents are in that much grief to be talking about suicide.
When I was that young (if you’re 13, yes, you are young) I most certainly did not have it easy.
We were in debt and my family struggled to make ends meet. I lived in a house with constant power cuts and no water, conflicts constantly arose. I never thought once, however, that I might be ‘depressed.’ I did not know what cutting was until I was 16.

I’m not judging anyone, if you feel that you are truly sad and useless then that is your tale.
I am just appealing to those who are just having a rough day, or who are just feeling sad for no reason. I’ve felt that too, and I just want to suggest something.
Try switch off all forms of media and social networking, especially ones with photos that idealise a ‘perfect’ life that seems so different from yours.
Focus on yourself, think for yourself.
It sure helped me.

Sing me to sleep… sing me to sleep…

Where did that come from?


Sing me to Sleep – thoughts on teenage depression