college, personal, Uncategorized

meek.

I found myself lying, face drooping into the slopes of my pillow, weighed down by all the things I should probably be doing and the things I wish I was doing. My uneven posture and tense legs strain from clenching and releasing early this morning from when I was taking my driver’s for the second time. Later, I struggled to cover the rose of my frost-bitten cheeks with multiple layers of foundation. It still shone through, a harsh and unapologetic bloom.

I tend to find myself fleeting from one place to the next, eagerly checking off the menial things off my diary for comfort. Put money into the bank. Check the dates for performance. Get some groceries–especially some salad. I should really get into that. I then crash into bed when they are done, feeling strangely unaccomplished and disconnected to my self.

I picked off the pieces of my body, the mangled individuals cast here and there over the bed. Recollected myself, and gathered together a self that can writes. I try to make meaning of the empty space. No matter how many times I try to keep my desk clear of the clutter, my pens and books with stickers and orange peels litter the top, and stay there until someone else enters.

I see a message pop up from my friend. We find solace in each other. There are friends you meet in blurs to pass messy nights with, and others with whom you reach out for in the darkness, meandering the unknown hills and edging around the crevices. I talk again about my feelings. She returns the same. I feel that there are many of us out there tonight–we are not lost, but just waiting for the winter to pass us over.

 

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#feels.

This just drives me to tears

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#feels.

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Replacable

I wish to be the quintessential part of somebody.
Old love is drifting apart, and it pains me so.

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Replacable

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Tears

I hate myself the most when I cry. I am too emotional for my own good. Something happens and I can’t help having my tears streaming down my face. I can’t stop it. I want it to stop. I need to harden the fuck up. I hate this part of me. I wish I could cut my tear ducts off.

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Tears

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Encouragement

When someone opens up to you enough to seek some advice, instead of giving the usual, clichéd crap, why not try to really sit down, and help them out? Who knows, something beautiful may come out of it.

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Encouragement

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Emotional Meltdown

Maybe it’s a release from the first week back at school where people break down and can’t hold onto the things that have been bothering them for the past few months any longer. Luckily, I am friends with many of these and as I listen to their sorrows in a supportive manner and try to find reasonable solutions, my heart grows heavier and heavier and now, I am ready to take a chill pill and just cuddle with my puppy on my bed in a fetus position.

Stahp. I kid. I love it when my friends confide in me, because even though it’s sensitive business, I like to know that I’m dependable and should they face anything in life, anything, that they want to talk about or need to vent about, I am there for them. Problems with girlfriends, problems with parents, identity crisis? I’m all about that life.

Besides, I have a blog to vent on. 😉 

*purrs.*

 

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Uncategorized

Juge pas. (Judge Not.)

My lovelies, it’s finally Christmas. It is going better than I expected – rather than being bored by myself at home, I am bored over here at my sisters. Anyway.

Scrolling through the reader, I noticed some blogs and stumbled onto one that basically scorned some bloggers for showcasing their personal issues.

Now, we all blog for very different reasons. Some do it to illustrate their mad cooking abilities, beautiful (and sometimes very strange) photography and write travel envious travel guides; whilst the majority of us just want to express whatever emotions we are feeling, be it positive or negative. Negative self image, most importantly, is a very touchy subject, and judging one on that, especially when many of these blogs are anonymous, is a very touchy thing to do.

Bare in mind, bloggers, that we ourselves are not perfect. None of us are. This is just a fact that we have to come in terms with. This means, that we cannot judge anyone, and it saddens me terribly when I see derogatory racial terms being thrown around and negative judgements on personal issues are being dished out so carelessly. Words cut deep. Try pouring some acid into that wound, for some extra flavor. 

and  that is all.

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Emotional Face

Facebook, you’re bugging me. I admit, you’re quite cool now that you ask me different questions every time I log on, but this question? I could unleash a whole load of angry, sappy statements that would turn the cold world of virtual ‘friends’ against me.
How am I feeling?
I’m feeling downright crappy. Listening to Ed Sheeran, confused as to whether I’m hungry or not, contemplating to whether I did the right thing or not by breaking up with my ex, suffocating by the fact that my best friend likes me but I cannot return the favor, annoyed that my orange nail polish is from the local fleamarket and I had to paint 4 nasty coats on for it to produce any color, and realizing that I am probably cranky from the lack of food, so I’m going to go scavenge the kitchen for some source of satisfaction; at least my body can get it. 😛 haha.
I will feast on cocopops whilst waving the spoon in an angry Moroccan ritual dance to Kiss with a fist- Florence and the Machine. Jokes, I know not of any Moroccan dance?! o.O

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Emotional Face

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Monday Morning, 24th Dec

I had the best dream last night. I dreamt that I had unlimited broadband, and I could just go through blogs and blogs my entire holiday, loading every damned picture and updating my tumblr and blog by the minute.

Yes, I realize a majority of you guys already have this, but again, know that you are BLESSED! Lucky, so so lucky. My life would probably be completely different (and really refined) should I have this basic luxury. Unfortunately, this is Zimbabwe, and I don’t get such commodities. Being the only child in this house, with my parents technology illiterate, I don’t get internet, but a limited 2 gbs per month.

Anyway, today’s morning started off with my mother screaming across the house for me to go and eat breakfast (which I started, but didn’t finish. Bleh, omurice.) I chomped on a chocolate covered marshmallow bar. Although most times I don’t worry about my appearance or care much for diets (having never been on one) I still can’t deny that this year has brought changes, probably by starting tumblr. I started off as a firm denier of pictures with girls in bikinis, showcasing their protruding collar bones, completely flat stomachs (how does this even happen?!) but gradually, I feel like I need to eat less. Not because I feel fat, but just because I feel like I don’t need all that extra food. It’s sad, and although I realize media is getting to me, I can’t help but feel that. I envy girls with gaps between their thighs.

Christmas eve, and nothing is happening for me at all. Again, I am at home without my parents or sister. My sister asked me if we could just skip giving gifts this year. I guess that’s fine with me, because I have no childhood experience or background of Christmas anyway. Yeah, okay, I realize that I am a teenager, which apparently means that I am now an adult. Apparently, we are only getting gifts for her son, my three year old nephew. I guess, to be truthful, I am bitter. My family has never celebrated Christmas and the bonds of my family has deteriorated over the years. Drastically. We sit at dinner tables and I cower as my parents strive to watch the television placed behind me. I am never asked about my school, grades, friends or any other concerns. Whilst my friends complain that their dads sing and dance in the car and embarrass them, I am silent with the knowledge that my own father had not even said hi to me that morning.

I have never experienced Christmas, whatever it is that you feel when you decorate Christmas trees, or the joys of unwrapping gifts, or the feast and happy celebrations.

These little things make me feel like I am lost sometimes. I feel that I have no connection with my family at all sometimes, it’s just so battered.

So, these are my thoughts of Christmas eve, 2012. Delight.

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