college, personal, Uncategorized

meek.

I found myself lying, face drooping into the slopes of my pillow, weighed down by all the things I should probably be doing and the things I wish I was doing. My uneven posture and tense legs strain from clenching and releasing early this morning from when I was taking my driver’s for the second time. Later, I struggled to cover the rose of my frost-bitten cheeks with multiple layers of foundation. It still shone through, a harsh and unapologetic bloom.

I tend to find myself fleeting from one place to the next, eagerly checking off the menial things off my diary for comfort. Put money into the bank. Check the dates for performance. Get some groceries–especially some salad. I should really get into that. I then crash into bed when they are done, feeling strangely unaccomplished and disconnected to my self.

I picked off the pieces of my body, the mangled individuals cast here and there over the bed. Recollected myself, and gathered together a self that can writes. I try to make meaning of the empty space. No matter how many times I try to keep my desk clear of the clutter, my pens and books with stickers and orange peels litter the top, and stay there until someone else enters.

I see a message pop up from my friend. We find solace in each other. There are friends you meet in blurs to pass messy nights with, and others with whom you reach out for in the darkness, meandering the unknown hills and edging around the crevices. I talk again about my feelings. She returns the same. I feel that there are many of us out there tonight–we are not lost, but just waiting for the winter to pass us over.

 

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personal

Vibes

Today I woke up in a fairly good mood. I rolled over, picked up my phone, and was instantly thrown off-multitudes of messages glared at me and bleated angrily for my attention. My sister confessed recent challenges to the family, my friend stressed over her injury which she partially blamed me for, and everything seemed pretty gloom and doom. Almost immediately, 5 minutes into my day.

I admit one of my weaknesses to be being easily affected by the moods of others. I know the coin phrase nowadays is ‘good vibes’, but I’m understanding it’s importance increasingly so. Even if the person lives in a different continent across the wide sea, their bad day instantly permeates and makes my day alike.

It is pretty pointless to let myself be so vulnerable to the emotions of others, especially when it is so personal that it is difficult to know how it evolves for them. They may be over it in a few hours, but it will cloud me the entire day.

It’s important for me to find an equilibrium in myself. To find the balance of peace and happiness that cannot be dismantled by my love and feelings for others. It’s a challenge to do, but I guess the best option is to just shake it off (yay T. Swift, ever the poet)

I read in The Happiness Project that my relationship should not be the dumping grounds of emotions. It rang in me because often I’d fully lay bare all my emotions to my boyfriend, thinking that it was necessary and easier for him to understand why I’d be in certain moods. However, I just realized that I’m doing the same as others are doing to me. I find it tricky also the difference between confiding in someone and dumping your negative energy onto them.

I’m not sure, I’m just trying to figure things out.

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Uncategorized

Because I experienced Love at First Sight.

Since the majority of you reading this is blessed with quick internet, play this song whilst reading this- I found a boy by Miss Adele. Okay, end of bossy moment.

One of my guy friend’s oooold friends came to visit from Australia this month, and something about meeting him makes me feel like my life has irrevocably been changed. Although I am a firm believer (as firm as a confused teenager can get!) of getting to know somebody to truly start developing feelings for them (because personality can be a major turn off, I’ve learnt.) But meeting this guy, and spending time with him has been amazing. I am in love with his easy going attitude, his love for his pets, his passion for his dreams and most of all his wonderful, wonderful chivalrous ways. 

 

So ofcourse- This is my first draft of my emotional musings- hehe

It was kind of perfect.

And being with you,

Meeting you,

Opening myself up to you

Made me realise

That the world

That the poetry

Is not based on the lucky few

But every human is open

And will experience this atleast once in life-

When you meet someone

And everything

Irrevocably 

Has changed.

I remember that night

On board to your house

When you reached out your hand

And caressed my face.

I remember that night,

When I piped up the courage to come sit next to you

And you helped me pull the chair out.

And all night long- my right was warm,

For your left handed ways meant we were constantly touching.

At dinner’s end,

When you held the umbrella for me 

To shield me from the rain

My heart beat against my chest,

as the raindrops did with the pavement.

I remember tonight,

When you held the cords of the television

So that I could continue dancing. 

I remember before the parting

When we took a picture

And you had your arms around my shoulder, 

And mine around your waist;

And I was pressed against, 

And I smiled a genuine.

The cars pulled in

It was time to say goodbye,

I hugged you long,

I squeezed you tight.

Because if there was anything in this for you too,

I swear

In that moment 

We were infinite.

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Raw Beauty

Don’t let your Emotions
make you their
Bitch

Uncategorized

Raw Beauty

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