college, personal, Uncategorized

meek.

I found myself lying, face drooping into the slopes of my pillow, weighed down by all the things I should probably be doing and the things I wish I was doing. My uneven posture and tense legs strain from clenching and releasing early this morning from when I was taking my driver’s for the second time. Later, I struggled to cover the rose of my frost-bitten cheeks with multiple layers of foundation. It still shone through, a harsh and unapologetic bloom.

I tend to find myself fleeting from one place to the next, eagerly checking off the menial things off my diary for comfort. Put money into the bank. Check the dates for performance. Get some groceries–especially some salad. I should really get into that. I then crash into bed when they are done, feeling strangely unaccomplished and disconnected to my self.

I picked off the pieces of my body, the mangled individuals cast here and there over the bed. Recollected myself, and gathered together a self that can writes. I try to make meaning of the empty space. No matter how many times I try to keep my desk clear of the clutter, my pens and books with stickers and orange peels litter the top, and stay there until someone else enters.

I see a message pop up from my friend. We find solace in each other. There are friends you meet in blurs to pass messy nights with, and others with whom you reach out for in the darkness, meandering the unknown hills and edging around the crevices. I talk again about my feelings. She returns the same. I feel that there are many of us out there tonight–we are not lost, but just waiting for the winter to pass us over.

 

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To all those who have been told that they are not ‘Enough.’

There are certain things that I can reflect back on and truly realize with my unearthly, senior insight that some things I just cannot tolerate at this level. I’ve admittedly both emotionally desecrated whilst thrived at the same time for 12 years of my life in this academic setting. I certainly cannot wholeheartedly state that I have become a better person or have godly opinions in any sense, but there are certain aspects that I can look back to and fully understand that I was messing up big time, and such behavior cannot ever be present, at least on a conscious level, in life again. Honestly, there are times when this senior aura gets to my head, and I begin to delve into deep philosophical thoughts on how differently I could have done things, and what I would have advised to a younger me if I was given the opportunity to. One thing that I remembered today, (without any pleasure) was the fact that if there was anything I wish I had known was that each individual is incredibly special. No, this isn’t some emotional sap but some real talk right here. Often I see that too many people tolerate things that they should never even put themselves through. Honestly speaking, each individual is wholly precious in his/her own right, and should never accept anyone putting them down in any sense or form. This doesn’t mean the occasional yo mama joke or something that is just close friends teasing each other. I mean demeaning words, the slurs that casually come at you, telling you that you are “too skinny,” “too chubby,” “too smart,” “too dumb,” “you have a weird chin,” “you have a weird laugh,” “you have a weird voice”, “your legs are too long,” “your legs are too stubby” or any other slander that just is carelessly thrown at you like you’re a dumping bag of their personal insecurities. That person has no authority whatsoever to relieve that filth on you, and if you are able to relate to this in any way, please, please, please! I beg you, please don’t believe that. Don’t embody their delusional, twisted opinions because you are not their words, the words that are merely reflections of their own selves. You, never ever need to surround yourself with such negativity, and just rather be alone than be cut down everyday. Come visit me. I’ll be your friend. Look to the table beside you. There are people filled with loveliness and genuine solicitude that will welcome you into their arms wholeheartedly at any moment of the day. I’ve met some beautiful people, and it is truly a blessing to know that you are in loving hands and buoys that keep you afloat and on the right path in the darkest days. Never give up, don’t stop yet, tomorrow is another day,

 

Every breath is a second chance.

 

Stay strong, and know that you are expansively more precious than any word that can describe you. You are indescribable, you are more than a definition.

 

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School in Zimbabwe + AISA GISS 2013

I realized recently that I’ve been acting as someone I personally detest- a silent online lurker. A presence that is there, but is too cool to be out there (a person like me, who has the tendency to bombard media with personal crisis with artistic emphasis). Since I’ve been waiting for my mother to pick me up from school for the past thirty minutes, I might as well utilize this time for some artistic ramblings. 

Just two days ago, I returned from Kenya which was the fifth host of the AISA Global Issues Service Summit, a conference celebrating various service projects and innovative ideas in Africa; something I’ve been regularly attending since eighth grade. This year, it was at oh-so-sexy Kenya, where the are a lot of sexy boys. They’re like what impala is to Zimbabwe- beautiful, plentiful, and a damned natural resource.

Anyhow, besides the enjoyable scenery, there was alot to be learnt and experienced there as well. We got to attend a keynote presentation by Spencer West- a truly motivational speaker who had lost his legs at the age of two- yet continued to climb the highest mountain in Africa for sponsorship. His motivational speeches were driven by his enthusiasm and humbleness which really spoke out to me. He was so real, and really touched me, causing me to erupt in goosebumps every five minutes. So great. I don’t know if you can watch him on youtube or something, but definitely a recommendation.

Another key feature of this was dancing with some of the local tribesman there- the Masai Mara. The key point of this dance is jumping up and down rhythmically and bobbing your head repeatedly. This was rather awkward for two reasons – this was done in the middle of the stage, so in a moment of outrageous courage I jumped up and joined them for the world to see, and secondly, the tribesmen grabbed my hands and refused to let go whilst they continued to sing their local chants for a good 20 minutes.

Lovely.

I also enjoyed the social aspect as well- I met a lot of new friends that soon grew to be quite the personal favorite. I met a lovely girl called Heerim in my sustainability group, and we really grew close together as we danced the night away at the school dance. Which I personally thought to be a great breakthrough because my other friends finally got to see the other side of me- the side that likes to move to music. Also, I was able to make some advances onto this really cute beau by dancing with him. He was shy (a really attractive feature to me.) 

What a great night. Also, a Korean family friend who I had previously thought to be a total douche actually ended up being one of the friendly faces on the campus. His family invited me to dinner for the night, and being stuck in the house together actually caused us to bond together, establishing decent conversation and allowing us to mutually accept each other, something which had previously seemed impossible.

It was nice though, although it was a bit iffish when the following days, I was referred to as ‘Ilgon’s friend.’

It was nicely to get to know the people and break former prejudices. It was also slightly awkward going with a friend that seems to like me, but then it was okay and quite enjoyable when we got past the awkward silence.

 

My mom still isn’t here. Well, thanks mom, anyway. You’re the root of my poetic outcry.

 

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