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Because I experienced Love at First Sight.

Since the majority of you reading this is blessed with quick internet, play this song whilst reading this- I found a boy by Miss Adele. Okay, end of bossy moment.

One of my guy friend’s oooold friends came to visit from Australia this month, and something about meeting him makes me feel like my life has irrevocably been changed. Although I am a firm believer (as firm as a confused teenager can get!) of getting to know somebody to truly start developing feelings for them (because personality can be a major turn off, I’ve learnt.) But meeting this guy, and spending time with him has been amazing. I am in love with his easy going attitude, his love for his pets, his passion for his dreams and most of all his wonderful, wonderful chivalrous ways. 

 

So ofcourse- This is my first draft of my emotional musings- hehe

It was kind of perfect.

And being with you,

Meeting you,

Opening myself up to you

Made me realise

That the world

That the poetry

Is not based on the lucky few

But every human is open

And will experience this atleast once in life-

When you meet someone

And everything

Irrevocably 

Has changed.

I remember that night

On board to your house

When you reached out your hand

And caressed my face.

I remember that night,

When I piped up the courage to come sit next to you

And you helped me pull the chair out.

And all night long- my right was warm,

For your left handed ways meant we were constantly touching.

At dinner’s end,

When you held the umbrella for me 

To shield me from the rain

My heart beat against my chest,

as the raindrops did with the pavement.

I remember tonight,

When you held the cords of the television

So that I could continue dancing. 

I remember before the parting

When we took a picture

And you had your arms around my shoulder, 

And mine around your waist;

And I was pressed against, 

And I smiled a genuine.

The cars pulled in

It was time to say goodbye,

I hugged you long,

I squeezed you tight.

Because if there was anything in this for you too,

I swear

In that moment 

We were infinite.

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My own saviour

Because I hated it when my ex said that I was hurt/damaged/scarred and he would help heal/treat/save me. Dafuq? No. I can fight my own battles, I just need someone to stand by me whilst I do it.

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My own saviour

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Kiss me- More Ed Sheeran ☮

Cause I’ve been feeling everything, from hate to love from love to lust from lust to truth, guess that’s just how I know itImage

My obsession with this song- Kiss me by Ed Sheeran still hasn’t subsided, and I spend another day listening to this beautiful song, and scouring from lyric pics on tumblr.

(my tumblr: alltheloveabove) <- If anyone’s interested. haha.

What a peaceful, average day. I desperately crave chocolate ice cream with sprinkles. Y’all should really just buy some pretty cake or icecream sprinkles. They’re pretty expensive here but it’s a luxury that has the power to very well, change your whole day. The chewy, crunchy sensation, and the awareness that you are biting into colorful, edible stars? FANTASTIQUE. :DDDDD

The lack of seriousness in this post is shameful. I’ll try again later, it’s raining now, and as my duty as the earth’s daughter, I must go frolic some.

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ed is a ginger god.

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Freeeeee.

Free to be.
Free to see.
Free to leave.

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Freeeeee.

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Monday Morning, 24th Dec

I had the best dream last night. I dreamt that I had unlimited broadband, and I could just go through blogs and blogs my entire holiday, loading every damned picture and updating my tumblr and blog by the minute.

Yes, I realize a majority of you guys already have this, but again, know that you are BLESSED! Lucky, so so lucky. My life would probably be completely different (and really refined) should I have this basic luxury. Unfortunately, this is Zimbabwe, and I don’t get such commodities. Being the only child in this house, with my parents technology illiterate, I don’t get internet, but a limited 2 gbs per month.

Anyway, today’s morning started off with my mother screaming across the house for me to go and eat breakfast (which I started, but didn’t finish. Bleh, omurice.) I chomped on a chocolate covered marshmallow bar. Although most times I don’t worry about my appearance or care much for diets (having never been on one) I still can’t deny that this year has brought changes, probably by starting tumblr. I started off as a firm denier of pictures with girls in bikinis, showcasing their protruding collar bones, completely flat stomachs (how does this even happen?!) but gradually, I feel like I need to eat less. Not because I feel fat, but just because I feel like I don’t need all that extra food. It’s sad, and although I realize media is getting to me, I can’t help but feel that. I envy girls with gaps between their thighs.

Christmas eve, and nothing is happening for me at all. Again, I am at home without my parents or sister. My sister asked me if we could just skip giving gifts this year. I guess that’s fine with me, because I have no childhood experience or background of Christmas anyway. Yeah, okay, I realize that I am a teenager, which apparently means that I am now an adult. Apparently, we are only getting gifts for her son, my three year old nephew. I guess, to be truthful, I am bitter. My family has never celebrated Christmas and the bonds of my family has deteriorated over the years. Drastically. We sit at dinner tables and I cower as my parents strive to watch the television placed behind me. I am never asked about my school, grades, friends or any other concerns. Whilst my friends complain that their dads sing and dance in the car and embarrass them, I am silent with the knowledge that my own father had not even said hi to me that morning.

I have never experienced Christmas, whatever it is that you feel when you decorate Christmas trees, or the joys of unwrapping gifts, or the feast and happy celebrations.

These little things make me feel like I am lost sometimes. I feel that I have no connection with my family at all sometimes, it’s just so battered.

So, these are my thoughts of Christmas eve, 2012. Delight.

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Breakup. (I swear I’ll stop moping soon, but it’s great inspiration!) :)

Oh lover of mine, it’s now my time to muse.

A little too late, glorious memories escaping in vivid hues…

When I described to you, your immense measure

I painted you as paints seeping through, dominating pleasure

 

I am the anticlimax of our love story

I am the silence between each breathless confession

I am the repetition of all your past torments

Hurried words you blowed into my ear

 

A conniver’s kiss that dragged you into a world of self doubts

Troubled, plunging abyss beyond what is yours to measure

The tale has ended, the actors disperse

Curtains tear down, lights turn out

I cannot make out your face in the crowd.

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The Lesson from Goodbye

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I broke up with him because I believed there was no future. He, being a senior means that goodbyes are inevitable. I was so happy, he made me feel so secure. However, there was something that left me unable to fully express myself. I often times found myself returning home filled with regrets, thinking I should have done this, done that. I should have thrown my arms around him, said “I’d love to” when he asked me out instead of shying away and hurriedly heading to class. I could have gone over to him when I saw him studying by himself, instead of shying away with the look of my classmates. See, him being a senior and I a junior always placed itself as a heavy barrier between us, an invisible boundary that stopped me from doing anything. Dating him was already something of a risk for me.  I was filled with regrets everyday, and that’s when I realised that in fact, there was no need for me to feel that way. I was apologetic towards him for not returning the affection, whilst I hated myself for not being able to open up to him. 

However, I just believe that these emotions should come naturally. From the start, I’ve been calculating every single thing, every move about us and that is what stopped us from necessarily moving forward. He previously broke up with my friend (another complicated reason to our beginning) because he told her that he loved her, and pressured her when she could not reply.

He said the same to me, told me he loved me. It made me feel warm, and I glowed in his love, but I knew that there was no spark that I could later ignite into love.

I want a free love. A love that comes to me in overwhelming emotions which makes me dream of our future together, excitedly sleep in hopes of the day growing closer to it’s end to see him the next day, a love where I see him and my heart fills with joy and light.

I want a love where I can run into his arms at any time of the day, a proud love which I can proclaim in my heart’s herald day after day. I don’t want him to fulfill me, but help me positively grow into something that I never knew I had in me. 

I leave with a quote-

“Try not to confuse attachment with love. Attachment is about fear and dependency, and has more to do with love of self than love of another. Love without attachment is the purest love because it isn’t about what others can give you, because you’re empty. It is about what you can give others, because you’re already full.”

I eagerly await for a lover who I can pour and pour out my love, and leave me feeling satisfied at the end of the day.

 

He was a great lover and made me believe that there is someone out there for me. 🙂

Thank you lilly. You were a great first.

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