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It’s not a nice feeling to be played.

It’s really sad how the only time I ever blog anything is when I am coiling from the burning ashes of my fickle heart.

Regardless, I am wounded and am just staring mindlessly at the bland wall and I am shocked and angry at myself for falling into the same pits of falsely-induced unrequited love. 

Just before my best guy friend left for a trip, we began to spend a lot more time together, laughing and talking and just being the usual us. Except it was different, and he began leaving me hints that I’d be blind not to recognise (bold physical touches, admittence that he did not want to leave me, jokingly mentioning that someone said we look cute together etc). He began to leave obvious hints that he was interested in us being something more and I felt our relationship peak, ready for the next level, something that is, unfortunately, not uncommon between us. 

When he returned however, everything changed and it just wasn’t the same anymore, as he talked animatedly about the girls he talked to and the asses (mind my crude language) he admired on the trip. I didn’t mind until then, because we are young and there are unpreventable elations of the heart. However, things really spiraled last night as we talked about ourselves, and he mentioned that he had a problem with leading people on just because he is unclear to himself. Then he mentioned that he was talking to his old crush again.

Now bitch be tripping. I am furious that this guy, who is supposedly my best friend, would have the audacity to lead me on- and to try let it off casually by just mentioning that he is confused. He even included ‘lol’ at the end. I know that some of y’all would decipher it as subtle hinting to see where I stand or whatever, but this makes me furious because this is not the first time I thought there was something more, before he let me down.

I refuse. Je refuse. I deny. From now on, I refuse to be toyed with, to be baited, to satisfy a need for whatever attention he is seeking. I need a break. I can’t deal with his idiocy any longer.

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Love loss

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Love loss

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Don’t fall in love with a Curious One

Don’t fall in love with a curious one.

They will want to know who you are, where you come from, what your family was like.

They will look through your photographs and read all of your poems. They will come over for dinner and speak to your mother about how their curiosity has taught them things of use to her. They will ask you to rant when you’re angry and cry when you’re hurt.

They will ask what that raised eyebrow meant. They will want to know your favorite food, your favorite color, your favorite person. They will ask why.

They will buy that camera you liked, pay attention to that band you love in case there’s a show near by, they will get you the sweater you smiled at once. They’ll learn to cook your favorite meals.

The curious people don’t settle for your shell, they want the insides.

They want what makes you heavy, what makes you uneasy, what makes you scream

for joy, and anger, and heartbreak.

Their skin will turn into pages

that you learn to pour out your entire being in.

Don’t fall in love with the curious one.

They won’t let a sigh go unexplained.

They will want to know what they did

Exactly what they did to make you love them.

Year, month, week, day.

“What time was it? What did I say? What did I do?

How did you feel?”

Don’t fall in love with a curious one because I’ve been there.

They will unbutton your shirt

and read every scar

every mark

every curve.

They will dissect your every limb, every organ, every thought, every being

then walk back home and eat their dinner and never return your calls.

You will never be their lifelong expedition. The heart is a mystery only for so long.

There is no ache like loving a curious one

who chases every falling star and never catching one.

Who comes and sees and conquers

and leaves.

I’ve fallen in love with a curious one.
Maybe one day he will take the train back home
and be curious enough to read one last message from me
carved on a seat.

“There’s a curiosity in you that will move mountains some day

as effortlessly as you’ve moved me for years.”

 

 

 

 

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Next time you see her

Because this is something I wish he’d do.

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Next time you see her

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Kiss me- More Ed Sheeran ☮

Cause I’ve been feeling everything, from hate to love from love to lust from lust to truth, guess that’s just how I know itImage

My obsession with this song- Kiss me by Ed Sheeran still hasn’t subsided, and I spend another day listening to this beautiful song, and scouring from lyric pics on tumblr.

(my tumblr: alltheloveabove) <- If anyone’s interested. haha.

What a peaceful, average day. I desperately crave chocolate ice cream with sprinkles. Y’all should really just buy some pretty cake or icecream sprinkles. They’re pretty expensive here but it’s a luxury that has the power to very well, change your whole day. The chewy, crunchy sensation, and the awareness that you are biting into colorful, edible stars? FANTASTIQUE. :DDDDD

The lack of seriousness in this post is shameful. I’ll try again later, it’s raining now, and as my duty as the earth’s daughter, I must go frolic some.

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ed is a ginger god.

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Breakup. (I swear I’ll stop moping soon, but it’s great inspiration!) :)

Oh lover of mine, it’s now my time to muse.

A little too late, glorious memories escaping in vivid hues…

When I described to you, your immense measure

I painted you as paints seeping through, dominating pleasure

 

I am the anticlimax of our love story

I am the silence between each breathless confession

I am the repetition of all your past torments

Hurried words you blowed into my ear

 

A conniver’s kiss that dragged you into a world of self doubts

Troubled, plunging abyss beyond what is yours to measure

The tale has ended, the actors disperse

Curtains tear down, lights turn out

I cannot make out your face in the crowd.

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The Lesson from Goodbye

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I broke up with him because I believed there was no future. He, being a senior means that goodbyes are inevitable. I was so happy, he made me feel so secure. However, there was something that left me unable to fully express myself. I often times found myself returning home filled with regrets, thinking I should have done this, done that. I should have thrown my arms around him, said “I’d love to” when he asked me out instead of shying away and hurriedly heading to class. I could have gone over to him when I saw him studying by himself, instead of shying away with the look of my classmates. See, him being a senior and I a junior always placed itself as a heavy barrier between us, an invisible boundary that stopped me from doing anything. Dating him was already something of a risk for me.  I was filled with regrets everyday, and that’s when I realised that in fact, there was no need for me to feel that way. I was apologetic towards him for not returning the affection, whilst I hated myself for not being able to open up to him. 

However, I just believe that these emotions should come naturally. From the start, I’ve been calculating every single thing, every move about us and that is what stopped us from necessarily moving forward. He previously broke up with my friend (another complicated reason to our beginning) because he told her that he loved her, and pressured her when she could not reply.

He said the same to me, told me he loved me. It made me feel warm, and I glowed in his love, but I knew that there was no spark that I could later ignite into love.

I want a free love. A love that comes to me in overwhelming emotions which makes me dream of our future together, excitedly sleep in hopes of the day growing closer to it’s end to see him the next day, a love where I see him and my heart fills with joy and light.

I want a love where I can run into his arms at any time of the day, a proud love which I can proclaim in my heart’s herald day after day. I don’t want him to fulfill me, but help me positively grow into something that I never knew I had in me. 

I leave with a quote-

“Try not to confuse attachment with love. Attachment is about fear and dependency, and has more to do with love of self than love of another. Love without attachment is the purest love because it isn’t about what others can give you, because you’re empty. It is about what you can give others, because you’re already full.”

I eagerly await for a lover who I can pour and pour out my love, and leave me feeling satisfied at the end of the day.

 

He was a great lover and made me believe that there is someone out there for me. 🙂

Thank you lilly. You were a great first.

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Christmas Holiday!

Ah, viva the fiestas of a month long holiday!
The themes of my Christmas break are, simply put, loneliness, boredom and heartbreak.
I broke up with my boyfriend, and he’s opened up something in me- I never felt a dependency on a guy for my happiness, or felt the need of a lover.

Guess it’s just that I feel a little empty sometimes, without him messaging me good morning, good day and goodnight, and telling me that he loves me. That we are infinite.

He once told me that we are forever. I smiled, but deep down I knew there would be a day where I would prove him wrong.

Oh I really need to stop moping. Late nights, lazy days, what a dream!
Time to go binge on some mini magnum ice creams 😀

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Christmas Holiday!

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