exploring, personal, Uncategorized

Why I am “Fine” – something personal

I went to a talk about mental health awareness today, and how it is stigmatised and 40% of Australians think that depressed people are dangerous, when in fact, they are the most targeted. I remember back in high school when I had some of the most tumultuous years of my life, and the crippling anxiety I had after getting gang robbed the second time and having my family fall apart and stitched back together. I would burst into hysteric tears for no good reason. The only reason I went home was because of my puppy and the weird guilt that convinced me I needed to be there to calm and mediate everything. I spent so many days at my sisters because the atmosphere choked me. I always looked to school for refuge, and thinking back, it’s the only reason why it never really developed into medication and doesn’t affect me so much now. School always had gossip and rumors and this and that to keep my mind off of things. I was preparing for college and for exams and having crushes and having fun with my friends… it gave me things to focus on. Even now, I sometimes find myself crying over something trivial, and it used to make me so angry for being weak and emotional. I’m over that now. I may not understand it, but it’s okay. I don’t judge or reprimand myself for expressing something and giving a sign that I feel something about the situation. I want to thank my boyfriend for this too, for always understanding and telling me to continue nurturing myself.

This turned out to be a longer post than intended. I just guess I want to say that I’m really grateful how everything turned out, and to everyone that has stood by me along the way. I took counselling after the robbery, and I am never ashamed to say it. I openly encourage all my friends to seek help if they need it. It was one of the best choices I made at the time, and just being able to speak about it to someone who would not worry as much as my friends or family would was everything. I’m really grateful for all the support my counsellor gave to me (shoutout to Miss Wilhite, I’ll never forget you) and to everyone who accepted me for me and were patient with me during my healing. Mental illness is an illness like all others, should be openly discussed and have support like any other battle.


Teenage/Junior Angst and Anxiety and How It Will Be Okay

Hello everyone! I know the content of my blog has been really irregular, with me sometimes moaning about blegh teen stuff and the struggles between juggling school life and social work, with pretty swell photographs and poetry. I’m not really sure who follows me for what, but I’m going to try be more dedicated now and just pump out some content. Well. That’s the thought for now anyway.

I believe that an existential crisis, as melodramatic as it sounds, does not come at some midlife point in your life in your mid 30′s/40′s, but really is viable to strike any individual at any time in life. Sometimes, this can mean a devastating financial crises or juggling the balance between mental and physical health. But really, as a recent survivor emerging from the clasps of a highschool life, I can really relate to alot of blog posts nowadays by juniors who feel sad and lonely and outcasted, especially in the junior year where the mood/feeling cannot fully be expressed in a logical manner, and life can only be described as ‘meh.’ 

Is this normal? I believe it’s quite normal. I’ve never really viewed myself as a pessimistic child- I’m really a turbulent mixture of being serene and nonchalant. However, this was definitely not the case just over a year ago. People underestimate what it is really like to be a teenager, this raging ball of emotions, desires and insecurities, mixed with family and friends and schools all demanding you to figure out what exactly it is that you want to do with the rest of your life. Who are you. What do you want to do. Lawyer? Doctor? Government official?  Please. 

I read this quote somewhere, saying that in this society, we are really asking teenagers to decide what they want to pursue for the rest of their lives, at the age of 18, when just two months ago they had to ask for permission to go the bathroom. And that is just so logical, and so true. Multitudes of times, before I finally got my acceptance letter about 3 weeks ago, I would feel lost and constantly insecure. That is really what it has become, the culminating result and show of achievement, or evidence that states that you have actually not wasted 12 whole years of your life in school. I was a decent student, who worked hard and played hard, but the weight of decisions and the nerve-wracking indecisions drove me to several breakdowns. I don’t know what I want to do with the rest of my life. I want to go to this university but they may not accept me. Why would they accept me. There are so many better students than me.  Doubts, regrets, anxiety, and anger.

All I can say really is that it is a phase in life, a brief darkness in the tunnel. With the constant demanding, demanding, demanding for answers and ideas and work, life can really feel bleak and hopeless. This feeling can hit anyone, and that is okay, you are normal. It does not matter whether you’ve known what career you want to pursue at the age of three, or not.

Seriously though, take my word for it, this too will pass. Phases and insecurities about my body, my appearance, my acceptance seem to be defined by the limited people that compromise our families, friend groups and school. This too will pass. The people that seem to mean everything to you right now, whose opinions can jar you and make or break your day, soon they will mean nothing to you anymore, and life will go on. You will live life, and you will inevitably learn more about yourself. You will meet new people, and you will have the choice of company in the near future. The bogged-down feeling right now, it will soon dissolve. You will have the chance to start again, or grow even further. You will thrive where you are planted. You will be okay. You will be more than okay. Psh. That existential crisis, that ambiguity and the sinking panic that arises from it…those will be things in the past. As it is for me. Things, situations and people that I thought were the biggest parts of me now seem small and insignificant really in the grand scheme of everything that I envision my life to be. I definitely do not have all the answers still, but I am okay with that. Because I know that I have the choice now, not what I believe others will perceive of me. And I am content, because I am me. And the future and plans and all the things that I can achieve is exhilarating. 

I hope you reach that point too.


Beginning of the End – 12th grader and going back to School!

Why hello there, sultry being. For those of you attending international/American schools like moi, it’s nearly time to return to the pit that you escaped from, and especially if you are entering your senior year, comme moi, you will know especially the deep sinking feeling of anticipation and dread as you await the final climatic year, that could possibly determine where you go to university and all in all, your life (if you believe in that kind of natural process in life.) This post is just really targeted towards any teenager, messing around on his/her blog or the internet. If you happened to stumble onto here, apologies. Because it’s real talk. SCHOOL IS HERE. If you’re a high school student/about to join the glamor of high school, read on. Image

My opinions of high school and what highschool is supposed to be like according to movies is radically different. I did not imagine high school to be anything like this. I thought I would be different, be bigger, be more important. I thought if I was a senior I would get privileges and be all important and say big words. This is not the case. I don’t feel any different that I was in 9th/10th/11th grade. Undoubtedly, there are certain things I have learned on my long (and futile) journey here – some things I want to kindly jostle into any young readers before they enter into the ‘real world’ of the highschool clique.

1. Darlings. There are no secrets in this world. You told your best friend who you’ve know all through middle school something immensely private and personal to you. Well, let’s just say there are going to be conflicts. There are going to be temptations. And secrets will oust. The best way you can really keep your secret is to keep it to yourself. Unless you’re being abused or are hurting. Then never be by yourself.

2. You are going to have different friends. If you happen to survive the entire high school curriculum with the same group of friends, then that’s an incredible blessing and great on yeah. And I mean friends. Not your click/posse/adorer group (I know you have those). Friends that are genuinely…friends. I had to learn this the hard way, and it’s often hard to uproot yourself from an environment that you are so familiar with, so you end up ignoring the wrongs of your friends and turning the other way. Please don’t this. You deserve so much better, and there is someone out there for you. Don’t stay with someone who eats you or hacks you down. Have the courage to say no and walk away. This is something I wish someone had told me when I was going through this.

3. Be ready to forgive. Because yes, ALOT of drama goes down in these mere four years, and all you have to know is to be tolerant and forgive.

4. Don’t let the whole world know everything about you. Don’t vent on the internet and other social medias.  Yes, I know I might sound like a hypocrite, but truth be told, no one who actually knows me in person knows about this site so WADUP. This is just crass. If you really MUST post a picture of you on your night out, just keep it to the lights and your face, not you and your legs grinding up on some guy. Not that I know what that is.

5. It’s not the end of the world. You’d think four years is going to pass by really quickly, and looking back at it, it does. But when you are actually living through the days, you don’t remember much of the trivial things. You don’t remember that girl who chose to self dye her hair pink with food coloring at home, or which girl was bold enough to get a belly button but you didn’t. Things go away, and everything is but a passing fad. No one cares. Really.

6. You are not a number. And then again, days go on, and you begin to wonder who you are and what the point of everything is. There is life beyond high school. It’s but a transition into your real life.

7. Appreciate what you have. Your amazing friends, who will make school really just worthwhile. The subjects that you are good in, and the ones you enjoy taking. Focus on the good, because that’s just a thing you need to have in high school as you pass and you fail. (Both acadmemically and socially.)

8. Please show self respect. Don’t fall for everything and be one of those girls/guys people think pityingly, “Oh honey.” Educate yourself. Go home and research. Don’t be left out of the loop.

9. Be open minded. Take things as they come, and if you really must have a judgmental opinion on something, then do it to yourself. Words spread, people switch sides, and you’ll be left in the dirt.

10. I’m really excited to be a 12th grade hobo. Possibly the thing that I envied the most about seniors was their style. No one seems to care in my school, and actually wearing sweatpants and pyjamas to school is a trend that shows that you are a powerful senior who’s too busy for you being swagful/studying/ready to leave this town.

Besides that? Yeah. Good luck.



Teenage Angst…especially going onto college

Hello reader, most likely another teenager like me. Life is getting a little tough huh? Suddenly there seems to be a wave tsunami of forms that need to be filled out and outstanding curriculars that need to be recorded. At least, that’s the way it feels for me. I’m at that stage of my scholarly (haha) life where I am pretty much susceptible to all forms of negative influence, and I admit I’m not the brightest little sunflower seed out there nowadays.

An event that triggered this post was my recent toefl + sat exam results. My grades are really good in comparison to the standards of the US or the average school, yet I am incessantly being told that I’m not doing my best- that I can do better.

Now how possibly can I argue about that? Thing is, it’s getting real hard to get a compliment around here. I truly thank my family for believing me that much that they believe that I can push and be one of the best, but repeatedly I get that sinking feeling that my good just isn’t that good enough. 

I guess, what I’m just saying is that encouragement would be a bit more effective with approval and praise. Or perhaps I’m being a spoilt brat about this all. Who really knows.

So, for all my seniors to be, spending waaay too much time on the internet and watching/reading too many series, I salute you. Because even though we may guilt trip ourselves that we are wasting our time by not studying or that we haven’t got the best grades that we can possibly get, we are young. We are teenagers, years full of angst and indescribable joys that we can never possibly get back. So, viva la jeunesse! (hahaha that barely made sense) so yeah. To hopes, and to sorrows. May we find happiness.


(Any teenagers wanting to share their struggles/joys of studying feel free to comment below or send me a message!) 


Highschool Junior Life, college and preparation

I just thought, since I am so overwhelmed and overly satisfied with the amount I’ve achieved today in terms of my future, I would brag about it a little and see what other people are doing. I must (regretfully) admit though, that most of these achievements are rather monetary, compared to what I’m sure the rest of the world’s juniors are doing. Oh well. This is what I do best, blowing some cash. (That’s what she said.) 

(No, that’s immature.)

Today, I got a place in the SAT’s exam, the mock exam, paid for the extra lessons offered at my school and bought the Official SAT Study Guide. (which looks to be pretty basic and useless, atm.) I feel like I’m getting somewhere with the course of all that needs to be done for me to go to college, (UIC, I’m praying) and though the studying part is still yet to be done, I just thought well, this feels pretty great. If there are any juniors (11th graders) or other highschool students reading this, how far are you on your preparations for college?

Besides that, the coolest thing I did today was ride Miguel’s scooter (which he rode to school on, fully dressed in a suit and tie for his Model United Nations conference) around, and shaming all the young ‘uns with their lack of style in their choice of transportation from one class to the next. 

Life doesn’t get any cooler than breaking the rules and cruising in style.