college, personal, Uncategorized

meek.

I found myself lying, face drooping into the slopes of my pillow, weighed down by all the things I should probably be doing and the things I wish I was doing. My uneven posture and tense legs strain from clenching and releasing early this morning from when I was taking my driver’s for the second time. Later, I struggled to cover the rose of my frost-bitten cheeks with multiple layers of foundation. It still shone through, a harsh and unapologetic bloom.

I tend to find myself fleeting from one place to the next, eagerly checking off the menial things off my diary for comfort. Put money into the bank. Check the dates for performance. Get some groceries–especially some salad. I should really get into that. I then crash into bed when they are done, feeling strangely unaccomplished and disconnected to my self.

I picked off the pieces of my body, the mangled individuals cast here and there over the bed. Recollected myself, and gathered together a self that can writes. I try to make meaning of the empty space. No matter how many times I try to keep my desk clear of the clutter, my pens and books with stickers and orange peels litter the top, and stay there until someone else enters.

I see a message pop up from my friend. We find solace in each other. There are friends you meet in blurs to pass messy nights with, and others with whom you reach out for in the darkness, meandering the unknown hills and edging around the crevices. I talk again about my feelings. She returns the same. I feel that there are many of us out there tonight–we are not lost, but just waiting for the winter to pass us over.

 

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Teenage/Junior Angst and Anxiety and How It Will Be Okay

Hello everyone! I know the content of my blog has been really irregular, with me sometimes moaning about blegh teen stuff and the struggles between juggling school life and social work, with pretty swell photographs and poetry. I’m not really sure who follows me for what, but I’m going to try be more dedicated now and just pump out some content. Well. That’s the thought for now anyway.

I believe that an existential crisis, as melodramatic as it sounds, does not come at some midlife point in your life in your mid 30′s/40′s, but really is viable to strike any individual at any time in life. Sometimes, this can mean a devastating financial crises or juggling the balance between mental and physical health. But really, as a recent survivor emerging from the clasps of a highschool life, I can really relate to alot of blog posts nowadays by juniors who feel sad and lonely and outcasted, especially in the junior year where the mood/feeling cannot fully be expressed in a logical manner, and life can only be described as ‘meh.’ 

Is this normal? I believe it’s quite normal. I’ve never really viewed myself as a pessimistic child- I’m really a turbulent mixture of being serene and nonchalant. However, this was definitely not the case just over a year ago. People underestimate what it is really like to be a teenager, this raging ball of emotions, desires and insecurities, mixed with family and friends and schools all demanding you to figure out what exactly it is that you want to do with the rest of your life. Who are you. What do you want to do. Lawyer? Doctor? Government official?  Please. 

I read this quote somewhere, saying that in this society, we are really asking teenagers to decide what they want to pursue for the rest of their lives, at the age of 18, when just two months ago they had to ask for permission to go the bathroom. And that is just so logical, and so true. Multitudes of times, before I finally got my acceptance letter about 3 weeks ago, I would feel lost and constantly insecure. That is really what it has become, the culminating result and show of achievement, or evidence that states that you have actually not wasted 12 whole years of your life in school. I was a decent student, who worked hard and played hard, but the weight of decisions and the nerve-wracking indecisions drove me to several breakdowns. I don’t know what I want to do with the rest of my life. I want to go to this university but they may not accept me. Why would they accept me. There are so many better students than me.  Doubts, regrets, anxiety, and anger.

All I can say really is that it is a phase in life, a brief darkness in the tunnel. With the constant demanding, demanding, demanding for answers and ideas and work, life can really feel bleak and hopeless. This feeling can hit anyone, and that is okay, you are normal. It does not matter whether you’ve known what career you want to pursue at the age of three, or not.

Seriously though, take my word for it, this too will pass. Phases and insecurities about my body, my appearance, my acceptance seem to be defined by the limited people that compromise our families, friend groups and school. This too will pass. The people that seem to mean everything to you right now, whose opinions can jar you and make or break your day, soon they will mean nothing to you anymore, and life will go on. You will live life, and you will inevitably learn more about yourself. You will meet new people, and you will have the choice of company in the near future. The bogged-down feeling right now, it will soon dissolve. You will have the chance to start again, or grow even further. You will thrive where you are planted. You will be okay. You will be more than okay. Psh. That existential crisis, that ambiguity and the sinking panic that arises from it…those will be things in the past. As it is for me. Things, situations and people that I thought were the biggest parts of me now seem small and insignificant really in the grand scheme of everything that I envision my life to be. I definitely do not have all the answers still, but I am okay with that. Because I know that I have the choice now, not what I believe others will perceive of me. And I am content, because I am me. And the future and plans and all the things that I can achieve is exhilarating. 

I hope you reach that point too.

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School in Zimbabwe + AISA GISS 2013

I realized recently that I’ve been acting as someone I personally detest- a silent online lurker. A presence that is there, but is too cool to be out there (a person like me, who has the tendency to bombard media with personal crisis with artistic emphasis). Since I’ve been waiting for my mother to pick me up from school for the past thirty minutes, I might as well utilize this time for some artistic ramblings. 

Just two days ago, I returned from Kenya which was the fifth host of the AISA Global Issues Service Summit, a conference celebrating various service projects and innovative ideas in Africa; something I’ve been regularly attending since eighth grade. This year, it was at oh-so-sexy Kenya, where the are a lot of sexy boys. They’re like what impala is to Zimbabwe- beautiful, plentiful, and a damned natural resource.

Anyhow, besides the enjoyable scenery, there was alot to be learnt and experienced there as well. We got to attend a keynote presentation by Spencer West- a truly motivational speaker who had lost his legs at the age of two- yet continued to climb the highest mountain in Africa for sponsorship. His motivational speeches were driven by his enthusiasm and humbleness which really spoke out to me. He was so real, and really touched me, causing me to erupt in goosebumps every five minutes. So great. I don’t know if you can watch him on youtube or something, but definitely a recommendation.

Another key feature of this was dancing with some of the local tribesman there- the Masai Mara. The key point of this dance is jumping up and down rhythmically and bobbing your head repeatedly. This was rather awkward for two reasons – this was done in the middle of the stage, so in a moment of outrageous courage I jumped up and joined them for the world to see, and secondly, the tribesmen grabbed my hands and refused to let go whilst they continued to sing their local chants for a good 20 minutes.

Lovely.

I also enjoyed the social aspect as well- I met a lot of new friends that soon grew to be quite the personal favorite. I met a lovely girl called Heerim in my sustainability group, and we really grew close together as we danced the night away at the school dance. Which I personally thought to be a great breakthrough because my other friends finally got to see the other side of me- the side that likes to move to music. Also, I was able to make some advances onto this really cute beau by dancing with him. He was shy (a really attractive feature to me.) 

What a great night. Also, a Korean family friend who I had previously thought to be a total douche actually ended up being one of the friendly faces on the campus. His family invited me to dinner for the night, and being stuck in the house together actually caused us to bond together, establishing decent conversation and allowing us to mutually accept each other, something which had previously seemed impossible.

It was nice though, although it was a bit iffish when the following days, I was referred to as ‘Ilgon’s friend.’

It was nicely to get to know the people and break former prejudices. It was also slightly awkward going with a friend that seems to like me, but then it was okay and quite enjoyable when we got past the awkward silence.

 

My mom still isn’t here. Well, thanks mom, anyway. You’re the root of my poetic outcry.

 

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