Sing me to Sleep - thoughts on teenage depression

Sing me to sleep, sing me to sleep. I’m tired and I want to go to bed. “Asleep.”
I love this song by the Smiths, it fully satisfies my old indie music fetish. (Yet others could chide at my slow accumulation of musical culture.)

I admit it’s been a really long time since I’ve written in my blog. I’ve been, unfortunately, distracted with other various sources of internet entertainment- constituted of tumblr and youtube mainly.
I feel that my sense of humour is changing.
Ideas and concepts that I had found before to be embarrassing or crass, topics on sex and sexuality, things that I had once been afraid to discuss come to me more freely to me now.
I feel that the Internet has changed me in that way.
In a background where the internet was sourced from a ‘stick’ and the broadband limited, I (thankfully) spent the majority of my childhood reading my books and imagining fairies and phantoms.
I’m thoroughly shocked when I see all the participation from the 10 year olds to the 13 year olds in social media, with the same level of… awareness, I guess, that I have finally opened myself up to at this age.
The effects that the media has on these young minds is so profound and so blatantly present that I shy away in embarrassment.
13 year olds talk about sex and of suicide, of depression like they know it and of cutting themselves like they’ve felt that grief, it’s just so overwhelming to me.
I acknowledge the fact that there are several kids who truly come from broken homes and are depressed.
However, I doubt that 10 million + adolescents are in that much grief to be talking about suicide.
When I was that young (if you’re 13, yes, you are young) I most certainly did not have it easy.
We were in debt and my family struggled to make ends meet. I lived in a house with constant power cuts and no water, conflicts constantly arose. I never thought once, however, that I might be ‘depressed.’ I did not know what cutting was until I was 16.

Sighs.
I’m not judging anyone, if you feel that you are truly sad and useless then that is your tale.
I am just appealing to those who are just having a rough day, or who are just feeling sad for no reason. I’ve felt that too, and I just want to suggest something.
Try switch off all forms of media and social networking, especially ones with photos that idealise a ‘perfect’ life that seems so different from yours.
Focus on yourself, think for yourself.
It sure helped me.

Sing me to sleep… sing me to sleep…

Where did that come from?

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Sing me to Sleep – thoughts on teenage depression

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Monday Morning, 24th Dec

I had the best dream last night. I dreamt that I had unlimited broadband, and I could just go through blogs and blogs my entire holiday, loading every damned picture and updating my tumblr and blog by the minute.

Yes, I realize a majority of you guys already have this, but again, know that you are BLESSED! Lucky, so so lucky. My life would probably be completely different (and really refined) should I have this basic luxury. Unfortunately, this is Zimbabwe, and I don’t get such commodities. Being the only child in this house, with my parents technology illiterate, I don’t get internet, but a limited 2 gbs per month.

Anyway, today’s morning started off with my mother screaming across the house for me to go and eat breakfast (which I started, but didn’t finish. Bleh, omurice.) I chomped on a chocolate covered marshmallow bar. Although most times I don’t worry about my appearance or care much for diets (having never been on one) I still can’t deny that this year has brought changes, probably by starting tumblr. I started off as a firm denier of pictures with girls in bikinis, showcasing their protruding collar bones, completely flat stomachs (how does this even happen?!) but gradually, I feel like I need to eat less. Not because I feel fat, but just because I feel like I don’t need all that extra food. It’s sad, and although I realize media is getting to me, I can’t help but feel that. I envy girls with gaps between their thighs.

Christmas eve, and nothing is happening for me at all. Again, I am at home without my parents or sister. My sister asked me if we could just skip giving gifts this year. I guess that’s fine with me, because I have no childhood experience or background of Christmas anyway. Yeah, okay, I realize that I am a teenager, which apparently means that I am now an adult. Apparently, we are only getting gifts for her son, my three year old nephew. I guess, to be truthful, I am bitter. My family has never celebrated Christmas and the bonds of my family has deteriorated over the years. Drastically. We sit at dinner tables and I cower as my parents strive to watch the television placed behind me. I am never asked about my school, grades, friends or any other concerns. Whilst my friends complain that their dads sing and dance in the car and embarrass them, I am silent with the knowledge that my own father had not even said hi to me that morning.

I have never experienced Christmas, whatever it is that you feel when you decorate Christmas trees, or the joys of unwrapping gifts, or the feast and happy celebrations.

These little things make me feel like I am lost sometimes. I feel that I have no connection with my family at all sometimes, it’s just so battered.

So, these are my thoughts of Christmas eve, 2012. Delight.

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