exploring, personal, Uncategorized

why words matter

The older I get the more I realize how soft my mother is to words. The last time I met up with her in Korea, she was so furious with my dad, over something he said in passing, that she ignored him for months and was on the verge of getting a divorce, when I told her to confront him and deal with it once and for all. They talked about it, best part is he didn’t even know she was mad. He apologized and she was all good after that. I’ve come to realize that my mom is not that steel hard wonderwoman I always pictured her to be. I remind myself to be kind and send some words of affirmation to her now and then, especially since we now live apart. I’ve done it countless times for strangers in club bathrooms. Reminder to be kind to those who matter the most.

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It’s only been four days since I’ve been back at school, and I must admit Senior Year is not quite cutting it.

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Being in the IB program, nothing has really changed. Same classes, same friends, same everything. There are so many things that I have to now manage, handle and submit it’s crazy.

I don’t know.

It isn’t that great.

I’m constantly trying to find the good in each day, in each moment. It’s truly, truly quintessential when entering the most challenging year of your academic life. It’s truthfully not all that doom and gloom. There are several things that I’m remarking about myself, which is quite pleasing actually.

I’m more confident. I started wearing sleaveless tops now, something that I’ve refrained from doing for the earlier 17 years of my life due to my insecurity with my arms. Now, I realise that I’ve been wearing tanks nearly everyday.

Not very earthshaking, but this is a memorable thing to me.

Also, I’m no longer intimidated by teachers who I constantly felt like running away from, I don’t care about little children and carry myself with self importance. This is not being conceited. I think I fully deserve it, because I’ve done my part groveling in the scrutiny of elders. I’m a fucking senior now.

So Swerve.

Hahahahaha. Peace.

Senior, betch.

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Teenage Angst…especially going onto college

Hello reader, most likely another teenager like me. Life is getting a little tough huh? Suddenly there seems to be a wave tsunami of forms that need to be filled out and outstanding curriculars that need to be recorded. At least, that’s the way it feels for me. I’m at that stage of my scholarly (haha) life where I am pretty much susceptible to all forms of negative influence, and I admit I’m not the brightest little sunflower seed out there nowadays.

An event that triggered this post was my recent toefl + sat exam results. My grades are really good in comparison to the standards of the US or the average school, yet I am incessantly being told that I’m not doing my best- that I can do better.

Now how possibly can I argue about that? Thing is, it’s getting real hard to get a compliment around here. I truly thank my family for believing me that much that they believe that I can push and be one of the best, but repeatedly I get that sinking feeling that my good just isn’t that good enough. 

I guess, what I’m just saying is that encouragement would be a bit more effective with approval and praise. Or perhaps I’m being a spoilt brat about this all. Who really knows.

So, for all my seniors to be, spending waaay too much time on the internet and watching/reading too many series, I salute you. Because even though we may guilt trip ourselves that we are wasting our time by not studying or that we haven’t got the best grades that we can possibly get, we are young. We are teenagers, years full of angst and indescribable joys that we can never possibly get back. So, viva la jeunesse! (hahaha that barely made sense) so yeah. To hopes, and to sorrows. May we find happiness.

 

(Any teenagers wanting to share their struggles/joys of studying feel free to comment below or send me a message!) 

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Next time you see her

Because this is something I wish he’d do.

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Next time you see her

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Think Hippie

Listening to One Love by Bob Marley, watching the silent rain presumably thunder and thinking, hippie thoughts. 🙂

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Think Hippie

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The Lesson from Goodbye

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I broke up with him because I believed there was no future. He, being a senior means that goodbyes are inevitable. I was so happy, he made me feel so secure. However, there was something that left me unable to fully express myself. I often times found myself returning home filled with regrets, thinking I should have done this, done that. I should have thrown my arms around him, said “I’d love to” when he asked me out instead of shying away and hurriedly heading to class. I could have gone over to him when I saw him studying by himself, instead of shying away with the look of my classmates. See, him being a senior and I a junior always placed itself as a heavy barrier between us, an invisible boundary that stopped me from doing anything. Dating him was already something of a risk for me.  I was filled with regrets everyday, and that’s when I realised that in fact, there was no need for me to feel that way. I was apologetic towards him for not returning the affection, whilst I hated myself for not being able to open up to him. 

However, I just believe that these emotions should come naturally. From the start, I’ve been calculating every single thing, every move about us and that is what stopped us from necessarily moving forward. He previously broke up with my friend (another complicated reason to our beginning) because he told her that he loved her, and pressured her when she could not reply.

He said the same to me, told me he loved me. It made me feel warm, and I glowed in his love, but I knew that there was no spark that I could later ignite into love.

I want a free love. A love that comes to me in overwhelming emotions which makes me dream of our future together, excitedly sleep in hopes of the day growing closer to it’s end to see him the next day, a love where I see him and my heart fills with joy and light.

I want a love where I can run into his arms at any time of the day, a proud love which I can proclaim in my heart’s herald day after day. I don’t want him to fulfill me, but help me positively grow into something that I never knew I had in me. 

I leave with a quote-

“Try not to confuse attachment with love. Attachment is about fear and dependency, and has more to do with love of self than love of another. Love without attachment is the purest love because it isn’t about what others can give you, because you’re empty. It is about what you can give others, because you’re already full.”

I eagerly await for a lover who I can pour and pour out my love, and leave me feeling satisfied at the end of the day.

 

He was a great lover and made me believe that there is someone out there for me. 🙂

Thank you lilly. You were a great first.

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