college, personal, Uncategorized

meek.

I found myself lying, face drooping into the slopes of my pillow, weighed down by all the things I should probably be doing and the things I wish I was doing. My uneven posture and tense legs strain from clenching and releasing early this morning from when I was taking my driver’s for the second time. Later, I struggled to cover the rose of my frost-bitten cheeks with multiple layers of foundation. It still shone through, a harsh and unapologetic bloom.

I tend to find myself fleeting from one place to the next, eagerly checking off the menial things off my diary for comfort. Put money into the bank. Check the dates for performance. Get some groceries–especially some salad. I should really get into that. I then crash into bed when they are done, feeling strangely unaccomplished and disconnected to my self.

I picked off the pieces of my body, the mangled individuals cast here and there over the bed. Recollected myself, and gathered together a self that can writes. I try to make meaning of the empty space. No matter how many times I try to keep my desk clear of the clutter, my pens and books with stickers and orange peels litter the top, and stay there until someone else enters.

I see a message pop up from my friend. We find solace in each other. There are friends you meet in blurs to pass messy nights with, and others with whom you reach out for in the darkness, meandering the unknown hills and edging around the crevices. I talk again about my feelings. She returns the same. I feel that there are many of us out there tonight–we are not lost, but just waiting for the winter to pass us over.

 

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HRE Zimbabwe// Day amongst the flowers

Confession: I have a strong affinity for flowers. So imagine the delight when I finally returned home to Zimbabwe for a sunny winter, quite different from the shivers in Korea! I visited the local organic market held nearby my house where the ordinary parking space was dotted with homemade pastes, cookies, meringues…homegrown flower pots and all the sort!

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Passed by a beautiful flower shop in Arundel village that’s been open all throughout my childhood

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Right next door, in a beautifully quaint cafe we ordered some deliciously frothy chocolate milkshakes and croissants filled with fresh vegetables. An aesthetically pleasing day all round.

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In a weird place

I will start writing again soon. I’m in a non-committing mood, where sharing some of my favorite pics of the week is really the most I can muster.

Anyways, I just thought that first, this woman has an amazing back.

And I want to get married in a forest, with a backless dress, and flowers in my hair.

I wonder how differently or similarly my life will turn out for me. Hopefully it will be wilder than my most unforgiving dreams.

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Marry me

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It’s not a nice feeling to be played.

It’s really sad how the only time I ever blog anything is when I am coiling from the burning ashes of my fickle heart.

Regardless, I am wounded and am just staring mindlessly at the bland wall and I am shocked and angry at myself for falling into the same pits of falsely-induced unrequited love. 

Just before my best guy friend left for a trip, we began to spend a lot more time together, laughing and talking and just being the usual us. Except it was different, and he began leaving me hints that I’d be blind not to recognise (bold physical touches, admittence that he did not want to leave me, jokingly mentioning that someone said we look cute together etc). He began to leave obvious hints that he was interested in us being something more and I felt our relationship peak, ready for the next level, something that is, unfortunately, not uncommon between us. 

When he returned however, everything changed and it just wasn’t the same anymore, as he talked animatedly about the girls he talked to and the asses (mind my crude language) he admired on the trip. I didn’t mind until then, because we are young and there are unpreventable elations of the heart. However, things really spiraled last night as we talked about ourselves, and he mentioned that he had a problem with leading people on just because he is unclear to himself. Then he mentioned that he was talking to his old crush again.

Now bitch be tripping. I am furious that this guy, who is supposedly my best friend, would have the audacity to lead me on- and to try let it off casually by just mentioning that he is confused. He even included ‘lol’ at the end. I know that some of y’all would decipher it as subtle hinting to see where I stand or whatever, but this makes me furious because this is not the first time I thought there was something more, before he let me down.

I refuse. Je refuse. I deny. From now on, I refuse to be toyed with, to be baited, to satisfy a need for whatever attention he is seeking. I need a break. I can’t deal with his idiocy any longer.

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Sorry I can’t.

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