The older I get the more I realize how soft my mother is to words. The last time I met up with her in Korea, she was so furious with my dad, over something he said in passing, that she ignored him for months and was on the verge of getting a divorce, when I told her to confront him and deal with it once and for all. They talked about it, best part is he didn’t even know she was mad. He apologized and she was all good after that. I’ve come to realize that my mom is not that steel hard wonderwoman I always pictured her to be. I remind myself to be kind and send some words of affirmation to her now and then, especially since we now live apart. I’ve done it countless times for strangers in club bathrooms. Reminder to be kind to those who matter the most.
I had the best dream last night. I dreamt that I had unlimited broadband, and I could just go through blogs and blogs my entire holiday, loading every damned picture and updating my tumblr and blog by the minute.
Yes, I realize a majority of you guys already have this, but again, know that you are BLESSED! Lucky, so so lucky. My life would probably be completely different (and really refined) should I have this basic luxury. Unfortunately, this is Zimbabwe, and I don’t get such commodities. Being the only child in this house, with my parents technology illiterate, I don’t get internet, but a limited 2 gbs per month.
Anyway, today’s morning started off with my mother screaming across the house for me to go and eat breakfast (which I started, but didn’t finish. Bleh, omurice.) I chomped on a chocolate covered marshmallow bar. Although most times I don’t worry about my appearance or care much for diets (having never been on one) I still can’t deny that this year has brought changes, probably by starting tumblr. I started off as a firm denier of pictures with girls in bikinis, showcasing their protruding collar bones, completely flat stomachs (how does this even happen?!) but gradually, I feel like I need to eat less. Not because I feel fat, but just because I feel like I don’t need all that extra food. It’s sad, and although I realize media is getting to me, I can’t help but feel that. I envy girls with gaps between their thighs.
Christmas eve, and nothing is happening for me at all. Again, I am at home without my parents or sister. My sister asked me if we could just skip giving gifts this year. I guess that’s fine with me, because I have no childhood experience or background of Christmas anyway. Yeah, okay, I realize that I am a teenager, which apparently means that I am now an adult. Apparently, we are only getting gifts for her son, my three year old nephew. I guess, to be truthful, I am bitter. My family has never celebrated Christmas and the bonds of my family has deteriorated over the years. Drastically. We sit at dinner tables and I cower as my parents strive to watch the television placed behind me. I am never asked about my school, grades, friends or any other concerns. Whilst my friends complain that their dads sing and dance in the car and embarrass them, I am silent with the knowledge that my own father had not even said hi to me that morning.
I have never experienced Christmas, whatever it is that you feel when you decorate Christmas trees, or the joys of unwrapping gifts, or the feast and happy celebrations.
These little things make me feel like I am lost sometimes. I feel that I have no connection with my family at all sometimes, it’s just so battered.
So, these are my thoughts of Christmas eve, 2012. Delight.