personal

Vibes

Today I woke up in a fairly good mood. I rolled over, picked up my phone, and was instantly thrown off-multitudes of messages glared at me and bleated angrily for my attention. My sister confessed recent challenges to the family, my friend stressed over her injury which she partially blamed me for, and everything seemed pretty gloom and doom. Almost immediately, 5 minutes into my day.

I admit one of my weaknesses to be being easily affected by the moods of others. I know the coin phrase nowadays is ‘good vibes’, but I’m understanding it’s importance increasingly so. Even if the person lives in a different continent across the wide sea, their bad day instantly permeates and makes my day alike.

It is pretty pointless to let myself be so vulnerable to the emotions of others, especially when it is so personal that it is difficult to know how it evolves for them. They may be over it in a few hours, but it will cloud me the entire day.

It’s important for me to find an equilibrium in myself. To find the balance of peace and happiness that cannot be dismantled by my love and feelings for others. It’s a challenge to do, but I guess the best option is to just shake it off (yay T. Swift, ever the poet)

I read in The Happiness Project that my relationship should not be the dumping grounds of emotions. It rang in me because often I’d fully lay bare all my emotions to my boyfriend, thinking that it was necessary and easier for him to understand why I’d be in certain moods. However, I just realized that I’m doing the same as others are doing to me. I find it tricky also the difference between confiding in someone and dumping your negative energy onto them.

I’m not sure, I’m just trying to figure things out.

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To all those who have been told that they are not ‘Enough.’

There are certain things that I can reflect back on and truly realize with my unearthly, senior insight that some things I just cannot tolerate at this level. I’ve admittedly both emotionally desecrated whilst thrived at the same time for 12 years of my life in this academic setting. I certainly cannot wholeheartedly state that I have become a better person or have godly opinions in any sense, but there are certain aspects that I can look back to and fully understand that I was messing up big time, and such behavior cannot ever be present, at least on a conscious level, in life again. Honestly, there are times when this senior aura gets to my head, and I begin to delve into deep philosophical thoughts on how differently I could have done things, and what I would have advised to a younger me if I was given the opportunity to. One thing that I remembered today, (without any pleasure) was the fact that if there was anything I wish I had known was that each individual is incredibly special. No, this isn’t some emotional sap but some real talk right here. Often I see that too many people tolerate things that they should never even put themselves through. Honestly speaking, each individual is wholly precious in his/her own right, and should never accept anyone putting them down in any sense or form. This doesn’t mean the occasional yo mama joke or something that is just close friends teasing each other. I mean demeaning words, the slurs that casually come at you, telling you that you are “too skinny,” “too chubby,” “too smart,” “too dumb,” “you have a weird chin,” “you have a weird laugh,” “you have a weird voice”, “your legs are too long,” “your legs are too stubby” or any other slander that just is carelessly thrown at you like you’re a dumping bag of their personal insecurities. That person has no authority whatsoever to relieve that filth on you, and if you are able to relate to this in any way, please, please, please! I beg you, please don’t believe that. Don’t embody their delusional, twisted opinions because you are not their words, the words that are merely reflections of their own selves. You, never ever need to surround yourself with such negativity, and just rather be alone than be cut down everyday. Come visit me. I’ll be your friend. Look to the table beside you. There are people filled with loveliness and genuine solicitude that will welcome you into their arms wholeheartedly at any moment of the day. I’ve met some beautiful people, and it is truly a blessing to know that you are in loving hands and buoys that keep you afloat and on the right path in the darkest days. Never give up, don’t stop yet, tomorrow is another day,

 

Every breath is a second chance.

 

Stay strong, and know that you are expansively more precious than any word that can describe you. You are indescribable, you are more than a definition.

 

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Sing me to Sleep - thoughts on teenage depression

Sing me to sleep, sing me to sleep. I’m tired and I want to go to bed. “Asleep.”
I love this song by the Smiths, it fully satisfies my old indie music fetish. (Yet others could chide at my slow accumulation of musical culture.)

I admit it’s been a really long time since I’ve written in my blog. I’ve been, unfortunately, distracted with other various sources of internet entertainment- constituted of tumblr and youtube mainly.
I feel that my sense of humour is changing.
Ideas and concepts that I had found before to be embarrassing or crass, topics on sex and sexuality, things that I had once been afraid to discuss come to me more freely to me now.
I feel that the Internet has changed me in that way.
In a background where the internet was sourced from a ‘stick’ and the broadband limited, I (thankfully) spent the majority of my childhood reading my books and imagining fairies and phantoms.
I’m thoroughly shocked when I see all the participation from the 10 year olds to the 13 year olds in social media, with the same level of… awareness, I guess, that I have finally opened myself up to at this age.
The effects that the media has on these young minds is so profound and so blatantly present that I shy away in embarrassment.
13 year olds talk about sex and of suicide, of depression like they know it and of cutting themselves like they’ve felt that grief, it’s just so overwhelming to me.
I acknowledge the fact that there are several kids who truly come from broken homes and are depressed.
However, I doubt that 10 million + adolescents are in that much grief to be talking about suicide.
When I was that young (if you’re 13, yes, you are young) I most certainly did not have it easy.
We were in debt and my family struggled to make ends meet. I lived in a house with constant power cuts and no water, conflicts constantly arose. I never thought once, however, that I might be ‘depressed.’ I did not know what cutting was until I was 16.

Sighs.
I’m not judging anyone, if you feel that you are truly sad and useless then that is your tale.
I am just appealing to those who are just having a rough day, or who are just feeling sad for no reason. I’ve felt that too, and I just want to suggest something.
Try switch off all forms of media and social networking, especially ones with photos that idealise a ‘perfect’ life that seems so different from yours.
Focus on yourself, think for yourself.
It sure helped me.

Sing me to sleep… sing me to sleep…

Where did that come from?

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Sing me to Sleep – thoughts on teenage depression

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Tears

I hate myself the most when I cry. I am too emotional for my own good. Something happens and I can’t help having my tears streaming down my face. I can’t stop it. I want it to stop. I need to harden the fuck up. I hate this part of me. I wish I could cut my tear ducts off.

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Tears

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Hi, ex. or not.

I saw him at school today. I guess it was his first day back, and of course I ran into him as he was walking into school, just my wonderful, beautiful luck. I was surrounded by my classmates, all hurrying to our languages class. He was still tall, still towering over everyone, he still wore the same red shirt that I had grown accustomed to, searching for it in crowded rooms, he was still, him. He avoided my eyes. I avoided his. There were twenty people between us, but the space between us felt narrow, and when he turned away it was a slap in the face. I saw him multiple times throughout the day, it’s funny how when we were dating we didn’t seem to see enough of each other, yet now it seems like fate keeps clashing us together. 😛 Stop it, fate. I will kick you.

He lives right next to my school. I was going to my friend’s house who also lives right next doors, (Ryan) with Miguel to print the cover jacket for his mixtape that he made for my friend, Sacha. I looked back, and I saw him there. He was looking at the art department, obviously he had seen me too. He laid back, waiting for me to disappear, and I did.

I did.

 

What the hell is this. From everything, to nothing. From lovers to strangers. From friends to awkward acquaintances. 

Will this feeling ever go away? I don’t miss him anymore, and I know I made the right decision. But this awkwardness is intolerable. Will things get better? Will we be able to meet each other’s eyes, level, and raise the ends of our lips to a warm, accepting smile?

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Family Apart

Since when things deteriorate so quickly, so easily, so unknowingly? Since when did families become about business and income, about community politics and the prestige of the university the children went to? Since when did it become all about working so hard to impress others, that it did not leave room to satisfy it’s own members? 

Since when

Did my family break down to this?

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