adventure, Blogging, personal, Writer

Procrastination, staying motivated and other ills

I am a twenty-something, kinda-Asian, kinda-artsy, kinda-lost-and-clueless college student. What a solid introduction, but that is the best summary of my current and more-so on going situation. I am not lazy, I am moderately hard working and moderately willing to take risks. Yet, so often I find myself in bed, crushed under the weight of all the assignments I want to do well in and things I want to discover.

Then I take a brief nap, and blame it on my food coma. I doodle in my journal about avante garde art, and reminisce a century that challenged everyone and everything to art for art’s sake. I sit on my desk, begin rearranging the mess that I’ve made during the peak of my motivation levels, and open my computer to type. I find myself opening Quora and Tumblr and Facebook, and eventually, WordPress. And so I type. And begin to realize that there seems to be a recurring pattern to what I prefer to do in my free time, or rather, things that I pursue despite having none.

The other day I posted a question on Quora, beseeching the Quora greats on how to keep motivated, how to remain inspired and how to continue writing. I’ve never fully considered writing to be a career choice, despite my habitual ramblings that I mindlessly share in all my social media platforms. I don’t want to label myself as a writer and have expectations, judgments and criticism, and stick closely to “snippets” in which my thoughts and its translation into a flow of words, best comes across. The answer was simple. Embrace it fully. Writing and words do not come by without effort, and in most cases, comes as an exorcism of emotions not so much for any other true benefit besides the soul. Art for art’s sake.

I want to though. Desperately.

Ever since I began this private blog site, a miserable teen on Christmas day in a cold, unlit room in Harare, Zimbabwe, I had the simple goal of writing and creating and putting something out there that would not have much significant meaning to anyone really besides myself. Slowly, my number of followers increased, and as I began searching for other like-minded blogs, I tried to do multiple things–house reviews, shopping hauls and the sort. Things that would increase my views and make me feel established.

“I”, the metaphysical ego.

Since then, my writing became even more erratic as it became a chore rather than an open forum where I could sort through my emotions and make meaning of the flashes. Rather than simply reverting this passion into the simple blogger I was 3 years ago, I want to reform, and begin to reveal the raw edges of myself again.

I’m back.

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It’s only been four days since I’ve been back at school, and I must admit Senior Year is not quite cutting it.

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Being in the IB program, nothing has really changed. Same classes, same friends, same everything. There are so many things that I have to now manage, handle and submit it’s crazy.

I don’t know.

It isn’t that great.

I’m constantly trying to find the good in each day, in each moment. It’s truly, truly quintessential when entering the most challenging year of your academic life. It’s truthfully not all that doom and gloom. There are several things that I’m remarking about myself, which is quite pleasing actually.

I’m more confident. I started wearing sleaveless tops now, something that I’ve refrained from doing for the earlier 17 years of my life due to my insecurity with my arms. Now, I realise that I’ve been wearing tanks nearly everyday.

Not very earthshaking, but this is a memorable thing to me.

Also, I’m no longer intimidated by teachers who I constantly felt like running away from, I don’t care about little children and carry myself with self importance. This is not being conceited. I think I fully deserve it, because I’ve done my part groveling in the scrutiny of elders. I’m a fucking senior now.

So Swerve.

Hahahahaha. Peace.

Senior, betch.

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Teenage Angst…especially going onto college

Hello reader, most likely another teenager like me. Life is getting a little tough huh? Suddenly there seems to be a wave tsunami of forms that need to be filled out and outstanding curriculars that need to be recorded. At least, that’s the way it feels for me. I’m at that stage of my scholarly (haha) life where I am pretty much susceptible to all forms of negative influence, and I admit I’m not the brightest little sunflower seed out there nowadays.

An event that triggered this post was my recent toefl + sat exam results. My grades are really good in comparison to the standards of the US or the average school, yet I am incessantly being told that I’m not doing my best- that I can do better.

Now how possibly can I argue about that? Thing is, it’s getting real hard to get a compliment around here. I truly thank my family for believing me that much that they believe that I can push and be one of the best, but repeatedly I get that sinking feeling that my good just isn’t that good enough. 

I guess, what I’m just saying is that encouragement would be a bit more effective with approval and praise. Or perhaps I’m being a spoilt brat about this all. Who really knows.

So, for all my seniors to be, spending waaay too much time on the internet and watching/reading too many series, I salute you. Because even though we may guilt trip ourselves that we are wasting our time by not studying or that we haven’t got the best grades that we can possibly get, we are young. We are teenagers, years full of angst and indescribable joys that we can never possibly get back. So, viva la jeunesse! (hahaha that barely made sense) so yeah. To hopes, and to sorrows. May we find happiness.

 

(Any teenagers wanting to share their struggles/joys of studying feel free to comment below or send me a message!) 

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My life, as it is now.

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Finally, the weekend. It’s weird how short, yet terrifyingly long this week was. IB has finally hit hard, and I’ve had to stay up past 1 am to finish writing an English commentary (and then the deadline was postponed to Monday. I got so mad I stood up, shredded my paper into tiny pieces and threw them in the air; I gave my classmates the finger whilst being rained with my  work transpired in my late-night crazed genius mode.) Did I really do that? It’s for me to know, and for you to wonder. 

What a really long week. I can’t remember a single thing worthwhile that happened. I remember being happy, being content, but nothing memorable pops up to mind. Do not just breathe, but live, someone once said. It’s really easier said than done – sometimes, especially once caught in a routine, it’s difficult to break out of the cycles and try something new. It was really awkward yesterday. My guy friend that apparently likes me now was asked by my ex if he has feelings for me. I couldn’t really ask him what he said (open up that door of awkwardness? Hell naw, I think not.) So that’s that. I feel kinda stressed about that situation; apparently they talk a lot as they are in the same basketball team. But anyway. 

Talking with my girlfriends after school, it made me wonder yet again, how so many people are lonely and want somebody to love, yet there are still so many single people. Where is the line between ‘just giving it a try’ and ‘fooling around?’ Is it logical to wait and try foster feelings for someone who you know will have much difficulty crossing the friendzone? As former friends, is it the good thing to tell the other that you want to remain friends, or is it only fair to give them a chance?

Good vibes, good vibes, good vibes. Ingrid Michaelson has some good vibes. That’s what I need to do – I need to be chin chilling. It’s the end of a long hard week. I deserve a breather.

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Getting Down on Colleges

Being a junior feels like a brick repeatedly being thrown, picked up, and thrown again at my brain, telling me to grow up, stop being so immature and take more initiative. It’s a burdensome time, especially as we become closer and closer to becoming seniors- and then graduation! I am quite excited for what my future will hold, and I’ve been digging around online, looking for good international colleges that teach in English in Korea. So far, I’ve found Yonsei Underwood International College, which in Korean standards, is like the Yale of Korea. I will strive to get in there. No matter what. #inspired.

Meanwhile, I am being bogged down with all the crap that is required in IB. My school’s organization with the provision of basic school books, utensils, or course management is just terrible, and all in all I’m just appalled with this whole situation. I am so inspired right now, tomorrow I’m going to hang out in the library after school with my friend and do some homework and sh*t. OHHHH YEAH. Shit just got real. 

Yes, yes, meanwhile, deep down I know this whole post is an object of procrastination. ALLALAALA. Get my shit together. College. Legoo.

 

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Unstoppable.

I wish I could describe myself as unstoppable, but I’m not. I’m vulnerable. I can be stopped by love loss, family breakups, school anxiety, stress about my future, annoyed with my friends, lost in my religion. I am vulnerable, but I am real.
I might not be unstoppable, but I have to the strength to keep pushing. I love my family, even in their cold, incomprehensible ways. They have supported me financially, academically, and in other emotional support that has not surfaced. My friends are my daily escape from the cold reality. My God, my sweet Father who always keeps me and treasures me, even in my least worthy moments.

I can do it.
I have people that believe in me.
I believe in me.

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Unstoppable.

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